Susan W. Reynolds

My Muse

2012-01-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

He appeared on my right

He appeared as a light
An airy spectacle
in an ordinary space

He was elusive and
remains that way
Trying to catch him
he only smiles and charms
Dangling
a portion
of what lies dormant in me

Must I turn over and over again
to grasp that which is within?
Must I covet that which I already posses?

My muse, My God
How great thou Art

Spirited

2011-12-28T12:49:00.000-05:00

Spirited Silence
Recognize the grandness of Peace

Awaken opportunities fragmented by time
Delight in the consequences of spiritual stillness

Hour by Hour by Hour

Waiting to finish the meal and re-enter my silent abode
in retreat
Removing my dance shoes and putting away my dance card

I am home

Just Words Connection

2011-12-28T12:44:00.000-05:00

Gift, Understanding, Cooperate, Genocide, Baffle, Esteem, Timeless
Existence, Terrify, Truth, Tarry, Not, Gratitude, Abundant, Relinquish, Guest

This is the gift. To understand and flow with the Giver of all things. It is destructive to be baffled by your worth, for it is timeless. Do not fear the truth, nor delay in praise and thanks for the abundance therein. The guest arrived and it is You!

Coloring

2011-12-28T12:40:00.000-05:00

Within delineation
Without order

Within terms
Without spirit

Within capabilities
Without possibilities

The box is open
Each crayon pointed and poise
for creation

Within Without
There is no distinction

Color with abandon
Leaving a small corner
for more possibilities to arise by surprise!

Year Anew

2011-12-28T12:36:00.000-05:00

It is time again

Protection served its purpose
Flaking, it drifts away as dust

Dust to be removed
Items to be seen in fresh light
and reflection

New years and new challenges in life

Break the bread of communion with others
Raise the glass of camaraderie and hope

Dance on the surface of the refrozen lake
Still, silent and anew from the solar rays of the day

You are that light and the fuel within it
Nothing is lost, you are renewed

Bubbling Up

2011-12-28T12:30:00.001-05:00

Your surface is porous
Enveloped translucently with grace

Tension arises and spawns
misguided and wayward thoughts

Fear launches its tunnels in dormant
shifting shards

God's love heats and purifies the water
Clearing paths
Evaporating fear
Sealing grace

Tremble not when inner turmoil arises

Recognize
Reconnect
Relax

God's grace bubbles up through your surface

I SAID/ HE SAID

2011-12-19T10:20:00.000-05:00

I said "stay sweet"

He said " stay you"

I said " try harder"

He said " you are enough"

I said " when I am stronger"

He said" you hold me up"

I said " I wish"

He said " you are "

I said " thanks"

He said" my gift"

Note from Above

2011-12-05T20:46:00.000-05:00

Whisper in the night my name
Delight in the sense of stillness
Rest

Consider opportunities I will provide them
I will divinely move you and them forward

Remember your royalty in me
Remember your courtship with yourself

Conceive and receive the divine righteousness in you
And Be
Be Still- I Am-You Are

It unfolds in an instant
Let it be this instant

Reticent

2011-12-05T20:40:00.000-05:00

Requiring no action only thought
It hangs on the cusp of flying and sinking

It reduces the "I am" to creating its truth

It launches the mind to
understand the soul
and the soul to take action

Locking the spiral
within the box, it's lid
loosely tilted
Will I push it off, or lay it
back down?

I choose to lift it and engage in
this life
No more darkness

With My Eyes

2011-12-05T09:16:00.001-05:00

With my eyes I see
the textures and shadows of the
hillside

With my body I feel
the heat delving into
my flesh bringing release

With my ears I ear
the muffled words
of people and the rustling of the leaves
on the nearby trees and through the
sifting valleys

With my mouth I taste the dryness and
saltiness of this earth

Without You I experience
none of this
Without You the trapestry
is never woven
Without You I am blind,shriveled,
dark and alone

I am with You now.

Ecstacy

2011-12-05T09:15:00.001-05:00

It came in the back door

A stranger in the night

Not to rob but to laden with riches

Grasped by the nape of a loving mother

Fruitless fears and fantasies

Rushed out the open side windows

A vortex of calm air followed

Trembling took me into greater excitement of the unknown

The floor of my home started to slant from safety to askewness

I knew where I was yet I did not

The stranger's presence shifted the contents of the dormant cellar

It cleansed the floors

It polished the windows

The fragrance was unimaginably sweet

I was lost

I was richly laden

I woke, not from a dream

but into the wonders of love and joy

and the oneness of strangers in the night

ADVENTure

2011-11-28T11:31:00.001-05:00

An exciting or very unusual experience
A new beginning
An outcome without knowledge nor understanding

Life of solitude

A start, a new beginning, an unknown outcome without understanding but perhaps not as welcomed as the changing of seasons or the expectation of Christ among us

ADVENTuring with each advent in my life
consumes my days and nights
The flame falters but it continues

ADVENTuring with each advent in my life
greens me with greater understanding
of each moment

ADVENTuring with each advent in my life
graces me with greater opportunities than I ever could have imagined

ADVENTURES
within me
join me

Tide Pool

2011-11-14T08:01:00.001-05:00

I have come ashore once again

Bathing in the warmth of protected walls

Finding common surfaces to hold me within

I am at ease here, knowing that my adventure

continues with the next tide

I always come back, so why distress?

Coming back to you in whatever shape

or form I am

Waiting

2011-11-08T17:46:00.000-05:00

Waiting in despair
and regret

Waiting in joyous expectation
or simply in place

Waiting forces me to reasses
my present or not
so present nature

to lift the veil of fear
of defiance
of regret

Waiting creates more space for
wonders to appear
both imagined and unimagined

Waiting-being present for all
that is around me this moment-no need
to want
It is here

Can You?

2011-11-08T17:44:00.000-05:00

Can you see the stars when you
watching your feet?

Can you hear the waves crash
as your conversation mounts?

Can you taste the sweetness without
the bitterness of longing?

Awaken your singular senses in rhythmic
harmony

Capture their essence, their charm

In The Garden

2011-11-08T17:43:00.000-05:00

In the garden
I forget I am different

I rest in the hands of being
My own sweetness arises
from my soul

Yet the tears water all that
I am
The lonliness of my solitude
wells up within me

What am I seeking? Why seek?
I am here in the garden and myself and
nothing else matters

Set Sail

2011-11-08T17:42:00.000-05:00

The rooster crows before
dawn as a reminder of
new day, he repeats and repeats

The oyster releases an
imperfection that is smooth,
glossy and softens our vision

The taste of the salty fish
grounds us in the clay soil
of our being

Oh my God, Help me to see
the folly of my own world
and see the completeness
in Yours

Surrender

2011-11-05T09:36:00.000-04:00

Releasing without vision
without regret

Abiding and riding
on a higher power within

Questioning its presence
yet acting on its existence

Surrender

Contrary to the warring within
and releasing the true self outward

Under Your Canopy

2011-10-30T20:14:00.000-04:00

My feet pulse , mending with each second as acorns underscore my steps

Heading to my sitting place I gaze upward
Talk to me in this silence I plead

Wake me to the wonder rather than wonder why I still exist
My soul feels empty, but I feel my soul
It has been longing to be recognized like the trees shedding the seeds

They roll, they nest, they accept their position
I learn from them and cry out, " Help me to be like you! Help me to see my resting spot is
my nesting spot.

Help me to accept my position as I am. Not restless but resting in the
nature of God and His perfection."

I do not know how my tears and cries are received. I do know that I long to be reconnected
to whom I really am. I have strayed, I have prayed.

Embrace me under Your canopy as my
eyes, heart and arms reach upward .

Waiting In the Wings

2011-10-30T20:04:00.000-04:00

I have been in the wings
watching life unfold
being the understudy

My lines rehearsed
my voice cracking
with its new found speech

I dared not to have the
spot light shed on me

I am imperfect
but not in Your eyes

The eyes of Divine Truth
The Cosmic Audience of Life

As I take center stage
in my life with You
I project who I am and You are
my lines

Room For Change: The Council

2011-07-27T09:30:00.000-04:00

Conciliatory and consciousness come to the surface

Enlightening the venue of Grace

Encapsulating a formula of change or expectations

When we sit together we gather

When we pray together we ask

When we listen together we counsel

Counsel flows from the silence of asking and receiving

Counsel arises to the surface, separating the oil from the water

Counsel provides choices beyond the expected

Expect the unexpected in council

Room For Change:Signposts

2011-07-24T09:22:00.002-04:00

There are many signposts along our daily journeys and routines. They shout to us to move here, turn there, stop now. They whisper to us buy this, stop doing that or choose this over that. The inner posted signs in our brains stop us short on many occasions or sell us short on our own novel insights or quests. We may not even notice these silent signs that linger in our routines.

The latest signpost to hit me is Slow Children At Play. I have been fortunate to be adopted into a family that has a soon to be 4 year old son. He and his brother call me Aunt Suey, with silly reference to pig calling not intended, or at least I don't think so. Every time it is hollered I laugh a little inside and meander to find out what the request may be. It might be to ask if my dog can have another cookie or two and see the delight when the dog lathers them with a bit of savory dog spit. It might me to ask if I can come outside to kick a ball or even watch a bubble float for the 1200th time. It is a delight and time stands still with them. Maybe it not so much time standing still, but about being in the present. Delight in the present and innocence in the present without the mind signposts deflecting the possibilities.

Slow... Children At Play. This reminder to me is to be cautious, but also to remember the child in me, that truly enjoys play. This is a reminder to me to take it slow through these simple and playful events in my life and another reminder to simply weave play and work.

Miles, my 4 year old nephew has his birthday party today. His gifts include comic "Ouch" bandaids and a book entitled Nobody's Diggier Than A Dog.

I remember that celebrations like this are for everyone. We get another chance to remember how to play like children, think like children and be silly in the company of others.

What signposts turn up in your life? What ones are you noticing? Merge, Wrong Way or Fork in the Road or even "Turn Here, Best Darn Chikin South of the Mason Dixon Line! " Whatever it is, consider a little playful childlike magic in your journey. You may even get a cool nickname out of it!

Off to play on this beautiful Sunday! Blessings. Susan

Remembrance: For DG and GG

2011-07-06T16:58:00.000-04:00

As the day of remembrance sweeps by

emotions lie dormant then well up in open cupboards

or in the wafting of a floating scent

We wonder why it all happened so quickly

Our life with our beloved and then their death

and the beginning of the death of who we thought we were as well as

the beginning of who we are becoming

The best we can do, is the best that they did

The best we can say, is that we did the best we could

The best we can hear, is that we are loved by God in our partnerships, in our solitude and in communion with Him.

So as these days of remembrance silently guide you from the past to the present

Layer your roads and redirect your paths,

Remembering Him that places your companions within reach and places Himself continually beside you on your entire journey Safe travels and Sweet remembrances

Appetite For Life: Got Solace?

2011-07-01T12:54:00.000-04:00

so lace ?

SOL- Soul-Center-Sun

LACE- White-Open-Airy AND PATIENTLY woven and delightfully displayed

SOLACE

Centering the soul in patiently woven display, remaining pure, white and open- single threads connecting in sun drenched beauty.

I going to weave myself some today. Got Solace?

The Circular Table: Always Room For One More

2011-06-30T12:00:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wondered why so many dining tables are rectangular or square? Why fewer of us choose round tables in which to gather , when redesigning spaces for and with others. The small round circular table is used when space is the restraint in most family homes.

I suppose cost of material is the biggest reason. It is easier to cut a slab of material or extrude it when it is square or rectangular than to create the round . The round also leaves the manufacturer or designer with waste or left over material that may not be repurposed for something else.

The round table also has another design element of being created into a pedestal table with a single large anchor of support, rather than the multiple legs that I run my long and misused legs into so very often.

So why my musing of the round table this morning as I sip my java on my sofa, not my round cafe' high top settee?

Last evening around a small round table conversation with friends began before a meditation session. The sun was in some eyes, so we slid around its circumference crunching in to see each other without bright distraction. As someone else came we comfortably slid again with the flow of the size of the group. There was no vying for position at head of the table to repositioning someone's back up against the wall. The circle , the table, always called for the enlarging of it and the shrinking of it..

Not only in accommodation to the size of the group, but to its activity and its conversation. Nothing was lost nor shifted as we engaged with other and the group morphed.

So, the next time you buy a dining room table... take a look at how your table works for you? Take a look at what shapes surround you and then shape the activity and you.Shape the kind of person or persons you allow into your circle of friends or influence.

I have been truly blessed by a circle that morphs, for me and a God that expands incessantly to gather us all together for each other.

My present dining room table is elliptical... Guess I am on my way....

By the way, Karen, sorry for the crumbs left on that circular table of yours! Will bring a bucket and rag next time!

Night of the Soul

2011-06-29T04:03:00.000-04:00

I wonder where I am this dark night

The silence, with the layering of the pendulum clock, moves my heart forward

Yet my mind is still lost and confused

Confused in its longing for more even when these abundant blessings abound within and around me

I cry out, "What more can I give or understand, dear Lord?" and the clock pauses with the click of the gears moving within the momentum of the pendulum's swing

My soul feels heavy, like the brass weight that releases the pendulum swinging back and forth
I am stuck in this dark night, moving side to side and tossing back and forth again and again

Help me to remember the place I hold in your plan , Lord

Help me to consider the place that I hold in your heart. Lord

Help me to rejoice in the ordinary and mundane, the back and forth of life as with the tides and the moon, remembering You alone control it all and I am with you and You are with me.

Basted with Love

2011-06-26T11:05:00.002-04:00

You push and pull through the initial layers

The illness of your own body

The lightening of your soul soul to the truth of what is today

We expose our sides

our wounds in loss

Our new skin

We climb to overlook the new horizon

we balance on new found limbs

and sometimes we slip again, we fall

The valley appears so close again

but one hand remembers it is higher than it was

the last time this happened

Grief it tears and it is torn

Grief it reaches and falters

Grief it exists because of love in your heart

Room For Change:Appetite For Life

2011-06-17T15:00:00.000-04:00

Room For Change is transforming to Appetite For Life. Why? Just because it feels right. I am hungry again as my time in grief and loss has dissipated but not been forgotten.
Trust the gut, feed the appetite.

This is a new adventure with new vistas appearing everywhere, like the spirit shape shifters of Indian lore.

Appetite For Life. What will it hold? Brainstorming, Jumpstarting with a dash of mental nutrition.

The menu, the book, will be divided into seasonal delicacies for you to peruse with an array of selections. Using regional ingredients and individualized seasoning, a menu will emerge. Parings will be suggested, but it will be ultimately up to you to create the courses from the selections for the fanfare meal. It will be you who will mindfully partake of the meal and digest it and observe how it nourishes your body and soul.

These musings, from Appetite For Life , will help me to compile those menu selections. Please email me your favorite menu selections along the way. They may be a perfect recipe to nourish the body or may be something you did in a season of your life of which I am pondering and writing about. I am truly interested in making this next book a collaboration of stories, tastes and selections of all of us. All of us that wish to glean that gusto of life out of each and every day and each and every season of our life.

So with this introduction, let the seed be planted, let the rain fall and may we all be pleasantly surprised and nourished with the growth of this little yet mighty seed.

Okay you foodies and you soul filled or even soil filled friends. Let it rain! The seed is planted for Appetite For Life.

I need lots of help on this one! The tools are ready, just need your hands and hearts. Blessings. Susan

Room For Change: Dance in Grief and Loss

2011-06-05T13:41:00.000-04:00

What do you hear from others within the loss experience? " Move On!" "Get out in nature." At the same time you hear comments of " Don't change anything during the first year." "Never move or sell your home." Keep your distance from this or that experience.

Nothing is complete in grief and nothing is static. Loss teaches us the lightness or heaviness of each moment and even creates pockets of numbness and observation.

The country song, with lyrics of " one step forward, two steps back" echoed as a gift to my ears in grief.
Other lyrics of " Life's a dance , you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow" inched me along.

Friends and loved ones' intentions are meant to keep you moving. Your loss is often their loss too maybe of dreams, friendship and the continuity in their lives.

Acknowledge where you wish to be placed and at imagine at what moment you wish to be there.

Grief , the dance, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow- It's all good. Move where you wish, forward, backwards, sideways , up or downwards. Just Move. Someone will be beside you.

Your partnering may change but keep moving. You are worth it!

Room For Change: THE GUEST

2011-06-05T13:08:00.000-04:00

Welcoming the Guest
He has been with me
from the beginning

I have served the others
knocking
I have left the doors wide
open for others to come in

Yet I neglected to
welcome the Guest
The God within me

From which shines
everlasting peace
not only within me
but through me

Welcome Yourself to this, Your Table

Blessings Susan

Room For Change: Crossings and Crossfires

2011-06-04T14:50:00.000-04:00

Crossing Across
Crossing By
Crossing Under
Caught in the Crossfire?

Life full of Crossings
Full of Catches
Full of Tosses

When I observe, nothing is tossed nor caught... It is like that majestic fly ball that keeps going and going, keeping everyone in blissful awe... because it just is.

No one knows if it will be caught, dropped or in fair play.. It sails and is observed in its precious moments.

Too often I place myself in imagined crossfires, instead of crossings... Tossing myself into unimagined dramas or unimagined ecstasy.

With this thought today, I may just have to pick up a ball and bat and give life a swing again.

Play ball and heads up!

The Keyhole

2011-05-30T20:34:00.000-04:00

Coming through the keyhole
You look
You remember and your soul sighs.
It is here you belong.

Now you remember the door was never locked.
You peered to where you felt you should be-
You shrunk , you pushed, you ever changed form.

What you had been given, has always been and will always be. Here, complete and all.

The key to wholeness is within your reach and never more peered through but experienced in full.

Room For Change: In Outlook and In Growth

2011-05-25T09:44:00.000-04:00

The Book of Isaiah speaks about the Lord settling international disputes and about how all wars will stop and military training will come to an end. It speaks of walking in the light of the Lord.

I often turn to the scriptures in times of weariness, to find the respite I need or for the acknowledgement of better times to come. The above reference in Isaiah 2 was very comforting this morning, yet I also acknowledge that God is within me and that what starts within my own soul or being goes outward. ( It is quite the opposite of what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas!)

Further reference in this scripture is "beating swords into plowshares" and " beating spears into pruning hooks" as all warring is dissipated. Those of you that know how I "see" in pictures , this vision came alive in an instant.

How does this have anything to do with grief, loss and change? Why talk about assault and growth at the same time or even try to change the outlook of the world.? No, I have not gone mad and I am not claiming world peace to come within the next 6 months!

In loss and grief, our world and emotions feel like the entire world. Everything that ever challenged our comfort zone amplifies in loss and grief. The boxing gloves come on and the gnashing of teeth starts! After my husband and father's death, I wanted to accuse everything and everybody.

Time can heal, but the site of the wound may be there. The site can also be viewed as what was excised to bring us closer to whole or closer to being the holistic individual of Divine creation.

The swords are turned into plowshares to cut the furrows to plant the seed.
The spears are bend into pruning hooks to remove what is superfluous and trim for bigger and fuller and healthier growth. What encouraging words in grief and loss and change.

So whether the Bible is a source of your solace and support or not, the image of the " imagined" cruelty in loss still pierces, still stings. Yet, with time, with repurposing and reflection, the pain and the infliction does reinvent its initial purpose. The scar may be there, but the wounding can be lifted.

In grief, let your burden be shared, let the new seeds sprout in small ways and never underestimate taking away what is superfluous for you today.

Those of us, in grief and experiencing loss and its changes in our lives, can be like the bamboo plant with its resilience, humility and uprightness. It bends, but is seldom breaks.

Redesign and repurpose what you have for your renewed outlook and growth. You are resilient!

Blessings. Susan

Room For Change: Ode to Opening Your Heart

2011-05-25T08:27:00.000-04:00

   OPENING YOUR HEART

Opening your heart
   arms wide stretched-but do
   not take the "beating" this time

Turn the other cheek-but do
   not be bruised by the strike

Forgive your assaulter- but do
   not assault yourself

Opening, turning, forgiving and loving
   now is forever
   forever is now

Room For Change: Good Grief or Good "re-Grief"

2011-05-04T18:08:00.000-04:00

I had not readied myself for the upwelling of feelings. I had commanded the appointments, followed through with scheduling and now was returning for a follow-up medical procedure to the initial follow up medical procedure.

I have attended to many of these similar procedures when my late husband's diagnosis lingered and continued until his analogous stem cell replacement failed.

I had complained about the wait in the waiting rooms. Mumbled under my breath about "cool" receptionists and old magazines and people waiting for your name to be called like a number in line at the deli. This time I was alone for my testing, without my late husband, without being the security for myself, like the security I felt I had lent to him.

There was no need to feel scared or concerned. The procedure was known, the terminology understood and protocol made sense. Rationally I was doing just fine... good grief, there was not a terminal diagnosis, but "RE-grief"came up big time. I viewed the sterile surface in the testing room and my hands got weak. The smell of the alcohol and betadine, made my stomach squizzy. All I wanted to do was crawl up into a warm blanket until it was all over.

It was not my procedure but my body remembering the pain, the languishing waits and the protocols that my late husband had endured. It was followed by my father's hospitalization and death the following year.

How could I remove these memories from welling up again, when I did not even know they were dormant barely under my skin? Make new ones... for myself and for others.

1. Be kind and extra kind to the receptionists.. Think of anxious people that await them each day ..

2. Thank staff about "service" that reassured you or other ways they tried to be clear and less clinical.

3. Bring in a few new magazines and leave them for others to view.

4. Smile at others and acknowledge their presence.

5. Take yourself out for lunch, an ice cream or to a bookstore after your appointment. Reward yourself in small ways.

Re grief is simply Re Thinking. Remember how you care for your loved ones and be kind to yourself on your solo protocol days.

Someone told me to go get a drink after my test, but I went and got a huge chocolate cupcake with tons of frosting. Think that will do for today:)

Room For Change: Changing Walls within Loss

2011-04-15T15:18:00.000-04:00

Walls are dividers. Walls are providers. Walls are low. Walls are high. Walls are protectors. Walls are prisons. Walls with cracks fall down and can be rebuilt or one can analyze what they should be replaced with.

My moving through many changes in loss, the major being the death of my spouse, I have moved my walls. In fact I have moved three times within the last 6 years. I have constructed walls from blue prints; I have adorned and painted them as how it suited that time and me. I have purchased a new home only to sell it 2 years later and rent after 3o years of owning my own home. The walls of my rental remain the color they were upon my moving in. I am not investing time and money and effort this time around to make them “mine” in the same way I have in the past.

My not “owning” these walls has caused a sense of uneasiness and yet it frees me from frantic activity to get things done and in order. Renting places the repairs, the attendance to grounds and property taxes to someone else these days. I still feel a bit of a nomad within these walls.

Part of my release of tending to walls also goes to the personal level. I have dated some fine and “not so” fine men since becoming widowed. The walls that defined me have been cracked. Walls that I used to protect me, no longer protect and the walls of opening to others come tumbling down and then get constructed back up again.

I could lament as I sometimes do and ask, “ When will I feel that protection I once had or when will I see the bright sun through the windows again?” Telling my story to others, especially men, gets tiresome and yet it is a part of me. Each time another relationship begins or ends, I am building the foundation for what supports me now. My gut is getting stronger in trusting my instincts even though my heart still jumps at being a partner again with a framework of walls. So even with cracked walls the light shines though and even with shifting walls, the foundation can be firm.

Today I will look at my walls as a resting place for growth, ideas and healing. I don’t have to adorn them, shore them up or paint them. (Well, knowing me I might have to hang a tapestry or a piece of favorite artwork.)

Whatever walls appear to be in your loss, they can be temporary. Placing the items, ideas and purpose within them is important. Remembering you are the carpenter these days. Measure twice, cut once and all will be aligned. Trust your gut, trust your level headed judgment and your walls be straight, tall, elegant and adorned like you.

Blessings, Susan

April 15^th 2011

Room For Change:Try, Try Again or TRI TRi Again.

2011-03-29T16:49:00.000-04:00

As time "slips" by in my healing from loss of spouse and I find my way to enter again into life, there seems to be more and more sliding from slide to side. Trying to find my footing on a path unexplored.

It was easy being a mother, wife and co creator of a family life. Two daughters, two cats, one dog and two parents under one roof. Consensus was not always the order of the day but we worked as a team, dreamed as a team and lived together for 23 years. When my husband died, the girls and I felt unstable and ill suited to carry on, but the four sided box of stability, the four of us was now down to 3.

Stepping outside the collapsed box did not appear to be any advantage at all. I knew the corners and lengths of the sides even though sometimes the lid blew off of it.

From a 4 sided structure to a 3 sided structure. 3 Women. All in grief. All in different ways. All apart from each other , no longer under the same roof. We were each expecting more of the other one, but in our own grief, finding support for the other was a mysterious path.

The triangle is a strong base of support . Think about the three legged stool or even the Holy Trinity. Three is never four, but three can support itself and more in grief.

I was so attracted to the number three. One the first Easter without him,I went away without family, but with old friends to the ski country. They skied, I read and had my own Easter vigil. I did purchase three porcelain eggs with tiny black metal feet coming out of them. Each of the feet going a different direction. Each egg aligned in a different way. The eggs were "birthing" themselves and there was pleasure in their playfulness.

One spring day, the dog's tail wacked one egg to the floor. It shattered. Feet still intact. I was upset and frustrated. Okay, what can I do.? Throw it away or reassemble it. Life after loss is like that. It is time to reassemble, taking with you what works and throwing away what does not serve you anymore. I did not want to be angry so I glued what I could and put "Her" back with the two other chicks on the ledge.

What was the lesson? Guess the best I could come up for myself was this..... You have no cracks nor scars if you have chosen to go no where, chosen to love no one or chosen to be loved inside and out.

So in your loss, in your grief... whatever shape your life has been, there is a shape that will support you. The wonderful thing about shapes is that we can morph with them. May each step your take, each fall you make and each thought you think bring you closer and closer to what is perfect for you today.

Blessings. Susan

Room For Change: Exploring Your Own Legacy

2011-03-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

Daunting change, confusing change with deep underlying love, Lori Hedderman's new book, Preparing Your Children For Goodbye: A Guidebook for Dying Parents, is released.

At first one would wonder," Why a guide book for my acknowledged and pending death? It is total loss of my family structure, semblance of order and just let memories be what they may! " The attitude of "let's not talk about it" may prevail or simply "I do not know what to talk about."

What Hedderman's book does however is not forced, not prescribed but rather showcases opening ways to leave meaning and messages behind for your children. Ways to guide and support them in your absence and creative ideas to supply them with your personal history and thoughts.

The format is open, fresh and non threatening. This journey is not a solo one and the book engages others in this process as well. Not only are activities suggested but great resources from other organizations are referenced to gain further information on legal, ethical and emotional resources on end of life issues.

Lori's ideas resonate for any parent, whether terminally ill or not. What do you wish your children knew about you? What are your dreams for them and how does that compare with dreams for yourself at their age? What have you done with no regrets? What have you not completed in your bucket list?

My mother, in her mid seventies, picked the book up and though not terminally ill( and with a children in their 50's) found questions she wanted to answer and share with us and her grandchildren. Life review, your legacy, is never too late or too early to contemplate. It can open greater avenues for discussion, communication and exchange, in times when words may carry a heaviness.

This book is an inspiring resource for counselors, parents and caretakers of children and adolescence. You will gain insight into children and their response to coping with death and may even open your eyes to your own perceptions. Preparing Your Children For Goodbye is available on Amazon. This book advances the ability to address your own amazing legacy and help others to the same.

http://www.amazon.com/Preparing-Your-Children-Goodbye-Guidebook/dp/1460933486?&camp=212361&linkCode=wey&tag=growthhouseinc&creative=391825a

Room For Change: Your Footing Back Home

2011-02-23T07:24:00.001-05:00

Like the prodigal son, grief sends us to unknown places. We may splurge on time alone or be insistent to be with others continuously. We may splurge on items we never owned before or be insistent on keeping every item from the past. We may splurge on thoughts of the past and be insistent on keeping things the way they were to hold onto the footing and balance we again insist , was perfect.

I am returning home. After almost 7 years of widowhood, moving 3 times and challenging myself to meet new opportunities and others, I have moved again to Atlanta. No, Atlanta is not a place I ever laid my head, but it is one that resonates for me at this point in time. In this move, I am not anxious to find all the stores and facilities right away. I am not anxious to be in traffic finding my way around the new town and fresh opportunities.
This time, I am listening to the birds in the morning, watching the sunset at night and slipping into bed early. I have returned “home” to a sweet rhythm and received love unconditionally again. It is that I have accepted myself as I am: a single, maturing woman with flaws and gifts.

Death, loss and change of environment can send us spinning. Like the child game” Pin the Tail on the Donkey”, there are guides to call us back home during grief. Though your eyes may be covered your footing back home is on the horizon. Accepting what is today can broaden your path to your “new” redesigned home with its door wide open.

Giving thanks for what was and now giving thanks for what is, is a solid footing for growth through grief. I think will sprinkle some recycled glass along my new sidewalk and light a candle for you on your journey.

Blessings. Susan

Room For Change:Accepting Your Loss, Accepting Your ABUNDANCE

2011-02-08T12:01:00.000-05:00

I am coming up on the anniversary of my two daughters leaving home and onto their own careers and the death of my husband. I turned fifty that year as well. Welcome to an upturned world.

Today, through no single act, but the compilation of encouraging moments and defeats and the victories and struggles, I felt release. Release in that I no longer needed to carry those past roles around with me, release that I am not what I thought I was and release knowing today I am who I am today.

Accepting my loss now also means accepting my changing body and my deepening facial furrows. I would love to say it is from all the smiling in my past loss, but mostly from frowning and resisting the place I was in, or perceived to be.

Today it hit me, as I was lingering in the shower, that accepting my abundance was the key to my accepting my perceived losses. It really hit me. For years I tried to give so much away because I felt unworthy of the abundance I had. I described myself as above average in height, intelligence and looks. Blessed with a fantastic family and friends I hid my abundance with others. I down played the beauty of it all.

It's like that light under the bushel. There is release in me experiencing this feeling right now, in the present, in this instant, maybe not forever, but in this instant.

I promise to get dressed before I leap outside and shout, thank you to the universe for all that you present ed to me in my changes and through grief( the terry cloth towel with the pulled threads is not abundant enough to cover my derriere as I sprint outside) but shorts might do!

Sending you abundance in thought and love in your loss.

Susan

Room For Change: BOLD. EXPERIENCE.

2011-02-07T19:29:00.000-05:00

Having just returned from a Hay House conference at sea, called " I can do it!", I took one of the scattered ideas afloat this past week and put it into practice today. I simply moved. I put my yoga pants on, with a jacket and gloves loaned by another, with colors of disharmony and took my first run-walk of this year.

Any motion is good motion and so I completed my one new practice.

Keep Moving

Experiencing grief, whether the loss of dreams, loss of physical abilities, loss of health or loss of a relationship places creates a void , an empty space in your puzzle of life. What now? Where can I find that piece that will fit in exactly to make it whole again?

It is almost like the square puzzle with the numbers which you shift around , bombarding one next to another, shoving one up , another sideways, another into the corner. With patience, order or balance is received and perceived.

Finishing my run-walk I cooled down on a side street. There was debris from a remodeling being done in the neighborhood. Cracked and dusty sheet rock wedged along an old toilet and sink. On top, resting in perfect balance at the pinnacle of rubble was a bathtub box, with the words... BOLD. EXPERIENCE.

Hmmmmm. I looked around for more clues to this morning message. Next on the same side of the street was a red fire hydrant, followed by a reflecting stake, driveway, then mailbox, then reflecting stake.
( there is no quiz of order to follow,,, just breathe... grin)

Okay, my visual mind recouped the pattern, the journey, the order of all things even in the experience of loss.

The message received was in the rubble of experience, in the remodeling of your life, be bold, experience it all, there are others to help you put out fires and guide posts along the way reflecting the goodness and light back to you and you must simply open that box to receive. Just like that mailbox, sometimes we have something to send out, but in loss and grief you may not be able to send very much. Be open to receiving from others and be bold in this experience. There are invisible guides along the way.

May your light, even if a spark, be reflected in grand ways today. Be bold and receive. Sending you love,

Susan

Room For Change: PBO

2011-01-23T18:44:00.000-05:00

I should really be PBO ing right now. Instead I am in procrastination mode as I scour my desk for scattered "to do" lists and things to stuff in the trash. My magazines have been sent to recycle bin I have and I have acknowledged my plants are outside on the terrace, telling them I will find a great home for them but they cannot travel with me on my move.

PBO.....

Packed by Owner
Purged by Owner
Protected by Owner
Picked by Owner
Placed by Owner
Pondered by Owner

Well the official winner is " Packed by Owner" in the moving company world, but all the others could be merged right into the concept. Packed by Owner means the move will be less costly. Packed by Owner means if it's broke on the other end , you are responsible and Packed by Owner can mean hours of agonizing decisions or freeing of the mind and spirit.

I will gather my boxes and decide what to start with. Deciding what you can do without for a while may give you an idea of what you have too much of or even what you have neglected. It may also give you a time to reflect on the items presence in your life now compared to later. Isn't this what I should be doing in little steps each day? How often have I really got on that ball for my abs or brought the desk lamp out to use this year. When was the last time those speakers were used? and where did all the mix mash of wires come from?

Okay. My first box will be books set into categories. ( Just reads, Interior Design, Spiritual and Religious and Grief.) Next my art supplies from the garage and closet and grouping of all non-attacked canvases in the same general area will be stacked. Third will be my bellydancing garb that is dispersed in several areas of the house along with its accompanying music. I can do without these items for a few weeks or months.

Photo to follow. Oh yes, forgot the cookbooks that I seldom use above and the teapot collection that usually lays adjacent in the cupboard above the refrigerator. This was purged on the last move so no agonizing decisions this time around, although I may give one of the teapots to a friend at work with some flowers in it.

Next are the vases that lay dormant in my pantry. I packed them yesterday, then as quickly as they were packed I bought myself some fresh flowers at the grocery store to liven my dissembled living environment. Now one vase sits on my dusty round table adjacent to my small sofa which no longer has its accents pillows due to their new function as padding for the pictures taken down in haste from the walls!

Practicing what I preach is arduous, but making little sanctuaries in an unfolding home is important to me and can make the "have-to's" less burdensome.

I have also given some of my once gazed upon books to others to gaze upon and send on their merry way. I have snuck into both adjacent neighbors' yards and put lawn ornaments ( tasteful ones) for them to discover. It is easier to pass things on with the hope that your beloved items will find a way to someone else with the same passion you once had for them.

PBO also represents Participation by Others , in the items you enjoy. Creating room for change is creating space in all areas of your life. My focus this week is items, so keep that front door light on, as there are more items I need to be "PBO"ing!

Room For Change: Open Your Home, Open Your Heart

2011-01-22T11:35:00.000-05:00

OPEN YOUR HEART

Within a few months of my husband's death I was sitting in counseling, reviewing my life, rethinking my future and rebelling in the future prospects.

My counselor suggested that my social circle would no longer be "corporate" entertaining nor logistics with teenage daughters and their networking. What then? She commented that my circle would be women. I cried, I cursed, I cringed. Hadn't the rug already been pulled out from under me and now another own shoved underneath without the welcome mat?

She was right. I was willing to try.

A friend of mine was turning 50 years old. She , like myself, had friends that had never met each other. Friends that were gardeners. Friends that were dog people and animal recusers. Friends that shared in her jewerly making and church friends.

I invited them all for a "sleep over" as I lived deep in the woods at that time. My friend, Judy, was the common bond. We had heard about each other but seldom crossed each other paths except by Judy's stories. We shared a meal, shared stories, shared some dancing and laughing. We shared our lives and slept under the same roof that night. The next morning another woman joined us for breakfast and the circle widened.

A tradition was started that evening as well. I had a fireplace surfaced with river rocks. I had written in chalk on the rocks, " Happy Birthday, Judy!" Others suggested what else could be written up there and the

tradition bloomed. Whenever someone spent the night , they were honored with a piece of chalk to write what they wanted on the river rocks and it stayed for others to enjoy and ponder.

The quotes spread on the wall and everyone who spent the night, left a bit of themselves behind with me.

So my counselor was right. My social networking started with a birthday party for a good friend and ended by making more great friends.

In loss there is always a gain. In darkness light filters through. In your opening your home to others your heart gets a chance to open again, even if in a small way.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you willing to open your heart and home again and again.

Blessings. Susan

Room For Change: Revamping Your Location In Thought

2011-01-04T22:47:00.000-05:00

Here I go again. I have been living in Austin for over a year with the inner thought of looking for another place after two years in Austin. That thought spoken aloud to a friend spawned him to mention that he might have someone interested in buying my home if it was for sale. I was not really thinking of selling it now, but told him to let the couple take a look at it. They loved it. They are purchasing it.

My thought changed to reality within 3 days. On my birthday a contract came in and now my head is swimming in change again, so soon? The feelings of regret surfaced. The feelings of sorrow of leaving new friends and connections surfaced. The feelings of loss floated the surface and yet had I not initiated the tiny thought? Here we go again but this time I will document in black and white my emotional thoughts and then look at what this change truly brings to the surface this time around for me.

If you have read my book, Room For Change: Practical Ideas for Reviving After Loss, you may already know that I have moved at least 12 times, built about 10 homes in other phases of my life. This phase, I guess I could call... Changing and Aging with Haste and Grace and as I preach, there is always Room For Change.

Step One: Panic

Step Two: List Making ( of repairs, of sorting, or telling others of your departure and paperwork)

Step Three: Checking off the List. ( Ahhhh! so sweet)

Step Four: Opening the Door for Opportunities on the Other Side

If the list is tweaked a bit, isn't this what we do when we know our time is at hand? Don't we try to clear the clutter, tie the knots and look to the other side of what will be?

So over the next few weeks I will blog about my process in packing , purging and plundering this process. It has been 6 years since my husband's death and the third time I am moving. What I have moved from and what have I moved towards is difficult to delineate. I do know that fewer items accompany me this time around and the yards are getting smaller and smaller. The kitchen pantry holds fewer items but the tools and clothes seem to swell in the closets and storage.

I am working on Step Two this week and repairs have started. I am down to a repair needed on a faulty lock of a window and then the sorting of items blog will evolve. I don't know how I will feel this time around, but I do know that I feel so very much more than I did when my husband died. My lows might be low but I recover sooner and my highs are definitely higher. The most grace comes my meeting new, interesting and very different people within the last few years to add to my collection of friends.

Stay tuned for the Sorting Saga. May your New Year be Full with Thoughts come True.

Blessings.. Susan

Room For Change: Reviving Your Holidays

2010-11-29T13:53:00.000-05:00

As a widow , I continually try to be positive in the changes and growth that have emerged in my widowhood. Attending bereavement sessions around the holidays, I hear and see the word, "surviving".

Surviving to me connotes, a time of languish, a sacrifice and an insurmountable endurance. Most of us experiencing loss have felt fleeting moments of such, but then again we may find a single bright moment that leads the way to hope and renewal and even revival on this grief journey.

Holidays not only suggest shopping as with birthdays, Hanukkah and Christmas, but also include decorating, baking and traditional activities. Weaving new into old and old into new is what our life journey entails. How can you weave yours with what treasured memories and traditions speak to you and your loved ones?

Shopping: Keep it simple. Maybe this is a year that you exchange gift certificates only and plan a family trip or excursion after the holiday. Maybe this is a time when you ask others to do the shopping for you. Be kind to yourself. Relish holidays as a time of energy conservation and renewal rather than the have to's of past years.

Gifting of memories: I am not the best seamstress but I have friends that are talented in that arena. They could create a small quilt, a Christmas tree skirt, a table runner or even holiday place mats from your loved ones old clothes. It is a way of purposeful renewal and memory. Men's ties can be especially beautiful in a tree skirt as their shape flares out. Mom's old costume jewelry can be hot glued to inexpensive picture frames for gifts to family members and even used to adorn a Styrofoam ball and hung with a ribbon from the tree. Memories will remain. Using items gives them renewal and a sense of moving forward with honor.

Barter: This word may appear harsh but often in grief we know what we have in the way of items and "stuff" but don't know how to relinquish and to whom. Think about trading or bartering your extra tools for " x number " of handyman hours. Think about trading your lawnmower for lawn care for a year or your snow plow for plowing. Relinquishing an item does not mean it cannot come back into your space, but it can allow space for other things to come in and other activities that may be burdensome to you now. Remember holidays are about giving and giving to yourself is just as important as giving to others.

Decorating: This may be a year when the tree gets a little smaller or all the decorations are not put up. This may be a year when you ask a friend to adorn a wreath for you and you go on a citywide light walk instead of putting your lights up. This may be a year, when you are not the " hostess with the mostess" and visit someone else or even go on a cruise. My first year of widowhood I picked out a fresh palette of inexpensive ornaments for my tree. My first year of widowhood I did not bake and decorate the gingerbread houses, my daughter did. My first year of widowhood I did not stay home. Did it help? I do not remember, but it did help me realize that everything did not have to be the same way in order to cushion the void I was experiencing.

Aromas and Baking: The holiday season conjures up sights and sounds and smells. What speaks to you? What smells remind you of great childhood memories? What supports you? If you love the smell of evergreens, buy yourself a beautiful soy candle or bring in some pine cones seasoned with cinnamon and nutmeg. My grandmother's recipe for poppy seed strudel was a tradition and my favorite. My father, now deceased and I loved it. Grandma has also passed away but her recipe and her handwriting of the recipe linger. Have a friend , who wants to do something special for you, make a favorite recipe. Not only will you be nurtured with food but also memories. Putting spices into a crock pot to simmer, can create another avenue of creating memories. Add what spices or fruit that appeals to you now.

Holiday Cards: If someone sent me a card, I felt guilty that I did not send them one. I was too exhausted and "low" to respond during my first years of widowhood. I did respond in another way. The cards piled up during the holidays. Beginning January 1st, I pulled one from the basket each day and said a prayer for that family and gratitude for their outreach. In grief, in life, it all takes time. Give yourself time to allow for your unique gifts to unfold. ( I have even thought about sending Valentine cards instead, but never have done it. Let me know if that fits the bill for you!)

Outreach to Others: I found that giving to strangers during the holidays, sparked a gratitude that was hard to access in my loss. I envisioned the foster sisters that would open the gifts I sent. Receiving a photo and thank you note a month later I was not far off! I remembered the Christmas I received my Polly Play Pal doll , when everyone told me the large gift was an ironing board for my mom and hoped that the burlap bag with my untidy red yarn embroidery would keep them in wonderment for a while. I remembered the first warm reversible ski jacket I got as a gift and even remember the pattern and hoped that what I picked out for the Angel Tree family would be as warming and fun.

Reviving your holidays, bringing a little something new to the old, is what makes other beautiful traditions awaken. Remembering yourself, by placing yourself in a place of support is all that is required. Remember the magic and weave a small bit of change into your celebrations.

Room For Change: " Waiting" or "Wanting to Get Out" Rooms

2010-11-04T10:06:00.000-04:00

Perhaps it is cloudy or dreary days that brings out a critical perspective that lays dormant for some command performance. Today waiting rooms crawl to the surface of this damp and inclement weather.

Waiting Rooms. Just the sound of "Wait" conjures up the sense of not moving forward. "Wait" is a loss of momentum. So what benefits can waiting rooms fulfill for those in health care and other industry services? Are they simply " Wanting to Get Out" Rooms instead?

Waiting rooms, are like your front door, as they speak of your nature and your mindset of the day.
Waiting rooms, are like a incubator, for mental attitude to swell or mind lists to be congealed.
Waiting rooms , are like a hand written invitation, to an upcoming event and the expectations associated with it.

Do waiting rooms fulfill your needs? Are your service providers doing you a service in their waiting rooms? How are you intuitively reacting to the setting.

After numerous medical waiting rooms attended by myself and my husband in his care during his terminal illness I became a big critic of waiting rooms without realizing it. My impatience in the medical process and time I felt was wasted before and after our actual appointments lead me dreading another appointment date in most facilities or offices.

Roswell Park Cancer Institute was the first one to "speak" to me of compassion and comfort while retaining a business and service attitude of efficiency and individualization. Their waiting rooms fulfilled my needs.

What does the physical "room" exhibit?

Not only is visual pleasure comforting for the patient/client but for the staff. It sets the stage for what is to come. Physical elements can include seating, lighting, privacy elements, accessibility to water or beverages, aromas, cleanliness and reading material. Physical also includes how the flow of clients in and out proceeds and how those "waiting" are integrated within the process. Physical can include how your voice or those of the staff travels within these walls and what adorns the walls if anything.

My pet peeves include:

Dirty upholstery or seating surfaces
Lack of lighting or sources of lighting
Outdated reading material and neglected
Uncomfortable seating or limited seating
Lack of privacy of conversation with staff
Dust laden silk or artificial plants
Left over furniture and accessories from other spaces flung together
Faded pictures or photos adorning the walls
Overstuffed literature for client left unattended and in disarray
Inadequate variety of seating to accommodate different physical abilities

These ten are a fraction of what others may find discomforting within such a space.

Suggestions to consider within such a space could include:

Rocking chairs
Fish tanks
Wall mounted water fountains
Current reading material
Nature DVD and photos
Good and varied lighting as well as natural lighting
Clean surfaces
Beverage station with neat disposal setup
Variety of seating options, i.e. armless and with arms, soft and firm
Variety in shapes and size of seating or side tables.
Availability of blankets for comfort and temperature control
Private screening area as needed for confidential conversation or scheduling
Lack of intense aroma ( neither medicinal nor strong artificial)
Mobiles

Yesterday I visited a new dentist and his office. Not only did I do a mental checklist of what was pleasing to me, but overviewed what others might find comforting, pleasing and mind setting for their upcoming appointment.

The office included:

Efficient directions to the location and well marked door
Well appointed beverage station and welcoming staff upon entry
Several seating options around large round coffee table laden with current magazines
Chairs that swiveled to adjust client's perspective and comfort
Overhead lighting and ambient lighting
Wall mounted water fountain with backlight
Advertising material on adjacent table for inquiry, not on every surface
Separate area for interviewing new patient
Blankets available during session
Staff conversation at low level
Clean surfaces
Earthy color scheme

Waiting rooms set the stage for what is about to happen and how you, as a client ,will be serviced . More important it initiates the mindset you will bring into the interaction with the provider. Why not maximize all areas ?

Room for change , even in waiting rooms , is possible. Yesterday, the wait was a pampering time out before my new association was made. I left , not dreading my possible return, and if I arrived early to my next appointment, the wait.

Room For Change: Wallflower Potential In Loss and Grief

2010-10-02T13:30:00.000-04:00

Who knows where inspiration comes from? Who even knows when it is present. Riding on the train of trust and basic truths we forge our way. We find someone else's inspiration and dabble of bit of our own into it. We grasp a bit of their truth and manage to find our own. The image above was created from someone's photograph of an old room, worn and torn up from experiences created and then left to be silenced. The wallpaper was pulling away from the wall in layers, revealing fresh portraits of paper and then adjacent to them were faded ones hanging on a wispy papery thread. I saw the beauty in it and its evolution.

What next? I pulled out for myself random selections of the image and voila, a new image or inspiration came forward that I can work with. Add color, maybe. Crop more, perhaps. Simply leave alone, an option as well.

In loss, in grief when all rises to the surface and yet all feelings that are covered up feel vulnerable, look to the potential inside. Nothing is lost in what you have been. Nothing is needed in what you are right now. Your potential is right now with all images in place. Dare to dance with what is inside you. It's there. Wallflowers are bouquets awaiting discovery.

Room For Change: Independent or Dependent Retirement Communities?

2010-10-02T11:29:00.001-04:00

My world was opened wider this week as I had the priviledge of speaking to several gatherings of seniors within their community space in their retirement facility. A few inquiring residents also lead me, after the session, to see their efficiency rooms and offer some consult or advise. It was an honor to be invited.

Design for me is letting the personal touch speak and leaving space open for future objects, ideas and activities to casually find their way into that existing space.

Three of the communities gleamed or highlighted at least one design element of importance to me. Not all of them felt like “ home” to me. We,as a society, are evolving in our concept of home and I hope the residences of our seniors are on the top of the list!

One community I visited had a very open eating area, mail center and activity center. Anyone walking into the facility was enveloped in some kind of activity center. Coffee and tea was laid out with colorful flowers surrounding it and antiques of different genres donned the walls and display shelving. A fireplace created a reading nook within the eating space. The same space was used 3 times per day for resident meals. Physically it felt that forward movement was being made. Staff was seen in the periphery, in their offices, almost like a second thought with no formal area of reception for residents or guests.

The second community’s walls were hung with framed prints of the 1970’s era with washed out blue and pink ghost- like images. The old wicker furniture with thin calico fabric seating welcomed you into the residence facility which also had sterile hard surfaces of brass, glass and a “retro” Florida feel. Although the facility was overused, outdated and worn out in its appearance , the residents seated in the entry were engaging with one another and guests as they entered. A mid morning snack was being served up by the manager and other residents were busy searching on a property , participating in scavenger hunt. In the adjacent room several women were playing dominos and others reading the paper. The activity director was moving about and volleying the questions about the hunt and the prizes. As I say in my book, “ All motion is good motion” and this is what was felt. The community spirit was moving and provided opportunities for additional personal movement and choices. The once drab environment I had placed myself into was now alive with the energy and interaction of others. I felt a part of their shared circle.

A third community carried me in with anticipation of at a personal valet arriving any minute to carry my suitcase onward and then off to prepare me a table for tea. Washed with light from the roof to floors below and the furnishings were well proportioned to the space and new. The colors were vivid. Ambient lighting and textural elements lent a very soothing and fresh feeling. The atrium was being actively used for exercise class and yoga followed in another space within a half hour. The residents seemed more reserved with less personal interaction, but they were spread out in a larger facility compared to the second one that I visited. Most of the activities were taking place in gathering rooms located on the second level. Residents’ rooms required that they take a short walk under a covered outside promenade to reach their them, allowing a short connection with the outdoors as they went to meals or activities.

Comparing the three, where would I l choose to live? Where would I like to see members of my family engaged and needs tended to?

Number One: Was open and created space for activity

Number Two: Was very dated and worn from daily use but was lively as the residents were lively and interactive

Number Three: Was open, light and new. Color and nature abounded.

The elements I would consider besides the ones I listed above are the following :

Staff awareness of guests and residents. Highly interactive communication skills.

Floor plan that allows for multiple purpose space use, with areas that can be changed out easily for purpose and activity.

Nesting areas within community space for individuals to seek a private space outside their own room. This can encompass outside seating or viewing areas.

Light, both natural and artificial and textural interest and color

Clean setting

Furnishings that are comfortable and easily cleaned

Nature, including trees, flowers, gardens and water feature... patio or outside space for everyone.

Allowance of personalization in private rooms. Color choice for rooms especially walls. Many facilities will not permit the residents to paint. Why not have facility staff be required to do it as an additional fee? Paint is the easiest to redo and least expensive. ( Think of the cost these residents pay each month for their units to the cost of paint and labor with move in and move out.)

Other suggestions I could envision:

Built in shelving units or recessed. There would be no need to have shelving into the rooms and chance of bookcases or shelving toppling over.. It would provide for more floor space for mobility. Adjustable shelving for TV unit could be included in such a unit as well as recessed desk area for computer or other needs.

Option on some eating arrangements. Possibly breakfast basket delivered to room 2 days per week. Somewhat like a B and B, so that residents did not have to get dressed every morning to go down to eat. ( The rules of do’s and don’ts can become rattling for some with the sense of losing most independent choices.)

So if I could NOT change anything ( and you know I would not be able to stop myself from moving things around or cleaning it up!!! ) I would place myself within the second community , where people interacted and were individually recognized,where staff was part of the daily flow and not behind the scenes and unseen.

Next I would form a committee from the resident pool to assist in updating their community. They could donate furniture or artwork. They could help clean. They could participate in tending to a community garden. When I asked the first community of residents, what was the hardest part of moving into a independent retirement community, one woman stated that is was being bored.She continued by saying that everything is done for them so there is nothing to do on a daily basis. Why not have help setting tables? or creating some fresh flower arrangements? If I see any more dusty silk plants and flowers in these facilities I will do something drastic! Why not have a thrift store of household items that the residents donate and service with funding going to facility improvements, guest speakers or other activities.

Yes, there are ways to make our seasoned change to retirement communities easier and more fulfilling. Think about how you would like to live when you become a part of this population.

When you visit such a community offer suggestions in writing or ask if they have considered options that you would find helpful for yourself or others.

With the senior population on the rise, now is time to offer some change in perspective within these communities. Step inside and see what you would like to create your senior home , a haven.

Help your friends and family address these often neglected and hidden thoughts about senior adult living. There is room for change in all things and senior housing is a great place to make an impact.

Which community described would you choose if the choice awaited you?

Room for Change: Resting on Your Laurels in Grief

2010-08-12T15:42:00.000-04:00

So where do all those timeless sayings come from? My grandmother’s was.”It all comes out in the wash” and other colorful ones that may be inappropriate or too graphic to put into black and white in this blog. Without saying something directly, these sayings created picture perfect references within the mind.

My creative mind loves pictures and “resting on your laurels” came to me today as a busy weekend, not filled with rest, fell to the wayside and a new week begins. The “to do’ list emerged and before the pencil hit the paper, I paused. Had I not accomplished enough over the weekend? Might this Monday be a Monday of no momentum but rather that of magical moments of rest.

Another saying that surfaced was : All work and no play, makes Johnny a dull boy” What? What do either of these have to do with grief, which seemed to be on my mind again?

I had just spent the weekend with 150 widows, some seasoned in their widow walk and others just taking their first steps. They were enthusiastic to hear creative and inspirational stories about others’ journeys, but most felt their own laborious and lumbering.

During grief, because there is so much unchartered territory to traverse and new responsibilities to handle, one is often overcome with depression, fatigue, lack of sleep and lack of focus. It can seem like every waking minute is spent doing and the learning new tasks. The energy required to evolve into new roles is never ending.

I can remember crying about a potential stain on my kitchen counter, shortly after my spouse died, as it was just one more thing I felt I had to tackle immediately. I was at a breaking point and felt I had lost control of any normalcy.

Place PLAY in your new normalcy. Place PAMPER in your new normalcy. Place PAUSE in your new normalcy.

Suggestions for placing the above in your new life might include

Swinging in the park or on a front porch swing

Blowing bubbles and observing the breeze in action and the rainbow of colors

unfolding before your eyes

Packing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Oreos and going on a picnic

Flying a kite with a child or another adult friend( that way someone else can chase

after it.)

Taking a bubble bath with a new fragrance

Getting a manicure or massage

Perusing magazines at the library, then a subscription for yourself

Taking an afternoon nap on the sofa or hammock with no phone available

Getting a carryout dinner delivered to you and asking a friend to join.Have them bring the dessert!

PLAY, PAMPER AND PAUSE, your new found friends in your new normalcy,will help to balance and bring energy and insight into new tasks.Building your new life, requires rest from the sometimes overwhelming unimaginable tasks. Oh, yes, I almost forgot,” Rome was not built in one day”! You too are an architect of a lasting and beautiful life. Go get that toga and partake of some pleasures today!

Room for Change: Recreating a Rhythm in Loss

2010-07-24T10:46:00.003-04:00

Benjamin Franklin's Schedule

Nature is full of rhythms. Our lives are full of rhythms. The ones closest to us awaken us when we are busy and shake us up when they take on a different pulse. Our heart rate may soar and our respiration accompany it. Our eyes see some pending emergency and our body races to respond to it with adrenaline and action.

In loss and grief we are our bodies are often working on this edge of heightened awareness and activity. Our bodies and mind coordinate to move us down the road and accommodate the change in our routine, schedule or outlook.

As time passes however our bodies need renewal. Just as I have written about in my book , Room for Change, some things about change have been hard for me personally. De cluttering ( or Destacking as it is) and now setting a schedule for myself.

My schedule has been a non schedule , with the freedom of time in my widowhood and empty nest phase of my life, very open. Much of my time is "free" with non scheduled activities. That has proven a blessing and a curse for my personality. Creativity may abound in me, but I may start too many projects at once. Flexibility may arise as well, but I feel there are no "have to's " in my loss. Accountability may be sacrificed as well. The accountability is to myself as well as others.

Benjamin Franklin's daily schedule is shown here, with it's simple yet profound rhythm. In loss, if we can find a rhythm that supports us in our changes, time will certainly be full in both growth and nurturing of our body and mind.

As I write this , I am sitting on my sofa with my dog at my side procrastinating about my body's need to hit the gym or sidewalk this morning. In loss, scheduling time for yourself can be a new found activity. Schedule it in your day. Create a rhythm that takes you places within and outside yourself.

Nurture your nature in loss and recreate a rhythm that supports you today.

And one more thing, as Ben himself writes on his daily schedule, "What good have I done today?" Remembering being good to yourself counts as well! I am getting off the sofa right now, I promise!

Room for Change: Practical Ideas for Reviving After Loss

Room for Change: Facing Your Change and Value(s)

2010-07-21T20:05:00.000-04:00

Recalling what we were before a significant loss is ingrained within us. How often have I said, " I am not strong" and others say "Look what you have done or accomplished within the last 6 years." It will be 6 years this month that my husband died, followed by the passing of two brothers in law and then my father. Change and internal turmoil and chaos were the norm.

In loss and grief we have the chance to re-evaluate how we define ourselves as well as our relationships with others. Your set of friends may change. The places you frequent may change as well. Most of the time may be spent at home ands that is why I am such a big advocate of making your home supporting for you. I remember being so mad at "friends" that were not friends after the death of my husband, but then again I try to remember the ones that became closer and the ones that supported my change especially during my initial volatility.

Your life values may change in loss and what you personally value in life may follow suit. It may feel dark and lonely in the beginning but doors open and sometimes by unexpected strangers that help with your personal change and support. Be kind to yourself.

Honor your change as you would honor the growth in someone else. You might be surprised what you have become! (stronger and wiser in the least)

Room for Change: Touching and Handing It Over

2010-07-20T00:47:00.007-04:00

This artist's work is not only beautiful but she adds her words in black and white to give us an insight into her ideas and herself. During grief, expression is often dampened by depression, mental and physical fatigue and the consistency of inconsistency. Grief may pull us inward into a spiral of "what ifs'", "if only", "how come?" and" will it ever end "scenarios.

Feeling the need to be needed may also run astray. Our gift of healing touch may seem not needed now if we have been the caretaker of our loved one, but this is the time when others's hugs, others need to nuture us in grief can be a light in the day. The critters in your household may sense your loss as well and this is a time to remember them with your touch.

Pardon the pun, but "handing over" some of your changing responsibilities in grief may feel as if you are losing even more control in your loss. Pass the buck from time to time. Express your desires when the willingness in others arises to lend a helping hand . Remember they are often "clueless" about the changes you are facing as well and may need suggestions from you.

The artist of the hands above also places in her artwork the words, "you are beautiful" and " i have small scars here from art and living." We are all scarred from time to time but heal with touch. We are all beautiful in a patchwork of different colors and gifts. We are all here to give a hand to those in need. Remember to reach out to others as they extend their hand to you.

It's like a handshake and mutually beneficial.

Room for Change: Honoring Yourself

2010-07-15T14:52:00.004-04:00

honoring yourself
you honor others
this started the journey

capturing thoughts in
black and white and
momentum builds

pensive posture moves
into action with
webs forming
which to seek?
which to hold onto?

balance is perfect
neither right nor left
neither up nor down
neither highs nor lows
neither black nor white

balance just is
we are just

combining balance within us is perfect
perfect-just as you are

Room for Change: The Book

2010-06-30T14:08:00.022-04:00

Grief allows people, places and circumstances to change. The change not always wanted, the change not always feeling needed.

Loss of my husband and other dreams culminated in a grief recovery book. Finding myself with several losses at one time, buoying myself up was the hardest thing to do. Contemplating myself as ordinary with little to offer and my dreams dismissed , I looked to ease the pain of others to make myself feel better. I now know with the completion of the book, Room for Change,that much of my healing was my self preaching, my reaching out to others for help and having the confidence and sometimes the innocence to keep moving and adapting in the turmoil I felt.

The book is launched today. The book is available here.I was launched into this venture 6 years ago this month with the death of my husband. I wonder what other changes will come my way within the next 6 years? Ready or not, here they come and I am indebted to so many people who listened to my vision and encouraged me.

I am pleased and excited with the reviews that the book is receiving. One funny and revealing review is by Les Morgan of Growth House Inc. http://growthhouse.typepad.com/les_morgan/2010/06/room-for-change-by-susan-w-reynolds.html

Take a peak at his candor and humor. That is what change and grief are about. Looking at ways to move through the sometimes ridiculous scenarios with grace and lightness.

To all of you that helped my light shine in the darkest days, this is for you.

Please tell me what you feel about the book and what more it could contain or questions you have. I am pleased with the change in me through this project and keep those reviews coming.

Blessings.. Susan

Room For Change: Unexpected Delivery

2010-06-17T08:56:00.011-04:00

Within loss and grief, order and control tend to rise to the top of priorities. Everything is spinning out of control and most things that were familiar are no longer.

It is easier to imagine the future with its neatly tied bow and the pain dispersed back where it needs to be, that is NOT in us.
We create expectations for others to soothe us, we create expectations of a looming doomed existence and we create expectations of ourselves to be strong to overcome this situation.

Yet the real victories come when an expected gift arrives at your doorstep, like a baby bird chirping in your nearby tree.
The real victories come when you enter a room as yourself without the thoughts of "what are they going to think?"
The real victories come in the expected talents that you did not perceive within yourself. Those dormant and unexpected talents often rise to the surface during grief. Why? Maybe they surface because our skin is so transparent and our core exposed. It may not feel good, but unexpected personal gifts can arise.

Surprise! I do not like to write. I have never liked to write, yet it seems as if it keeps coming to the surface. Another surprise!

My first book is in its prelaunch, Room for Change: Practical Ideas for Reviving After Loss. It will be delivered to Amazon.com within a month. Yes, an unexpected delivery, in an expected form. I would rather physically do for others than write, but in my widowhood I have found that doing for yourself is what supports you through grief.

The book will be an expected delivery for others in grief and I know it will provide practical and non threatening ways to make the support they need their own. Of course there is fun in the book and unexpected treasures for grievers to find.

My son-in-law is a professional bagpiper and is present at many celebrations, be they parades or weddings or funerals. Yes, funerals are a celebration of gifts on the horizon. Or as he says as he heads out the door to a funeral, he is there to put the FUN back in FUNeral.

Look for the unexpected deliveries as fun and not futile. Await the unexpected gifts arising in you. They are there!

Write and tell me about them!

Blessings undercover abound!

Room For Change: The Momentum and Reflection

2010-05-10T10:26:00.005-04:00

As we, the griever, create for ourselves, new habits and new senses to the changes around us, momentum pulls us forward.
There becomes a time of excitement when the hurt of the loss appears to close and the wound now feels like a scar.
We are encouraged by our own creativity and endeavors and others rally around us. It is like a victory lap on all accounts.

We awaken another day, as grief appears to have shifted from the low drone of the second gear to almost third gear and wonder how we got here and now what? The crowd of encouragers have been swept back into their lives and we are but a memory. They are relieved in our movement forward and through change. We sit. We are stuck again. We feel that overwhelming grief of shifting one more gear and hear the grinding as the old feeling of hopelessness vibrates in our bodies. Not again we whisper.

Remember in this time of growth and change to reflect on how far you have come through your loss. Write down all the things you have done since your loss that you never did before. They need not be things you wanted to do, but you did them.
Look at the list. Reflect on the courage and energy it took to move forward and then slowly shift one more gear. This may be the week for you to simply reflect and rest. Renewal is not always motion. Renewal can be pause and a deep encumbered breath.

Take time on your grief journey to feel the shift and to make time to do the things that support you. It could a new flavor of tea and three magazines today or a detailing of your car on your premises.

A crowd awaits your victory lap but remember to celebrate each lap you take yourself and reflect upon your accomplishments.

Room For Change: In You and In San Diego

2010-04-26T22:05:00.003-04:00

Camp Widow in August in San Diego. You must look into it for yourself or for other widows ( and widowers). It need not matter if your loss is recent or several years ago, time and gender are neutral. This group of individuals know how to listen, encourage, lament and just be with other people on a similar journey.

Take a look at their website and the workshops they will be offering, the activities that will be available and the facility that will be hosting it. There is still time to sign up and the staff is hoping to have all states ( in the U.S.) represented as well as international representatives.

Looking ahead with anticipation of sharing and caring with like minded folks. Consider Camp Widow for an excursion this summer. No sleeping bags or notes from mom required!

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

www.sslf.org

Redesign as a Grief Recovery Tool

2010-04-21T13:24:00.003-04:00

New blog on Pallimed discusses how art and creative outlets help one move through grief and explore new terrain in a secure and supporting manner.

The link follows and I will follow up with another few words about this concept next week in less lyrical terms.

Thanks to all who have encouraged me in this endeavor. I know this process works and it keeps on working!

Blessings. Susan

http://arts.pallimed.org/

Room For Change: The Pancake Flip

2010-04-01T15:51:00.004-04:00

A previous Room For Change blog spoke of grief and loss with respect to a crayon and deciding the color you might be if you were one. I suggested blue for me, with " not so blue" as my color, as brighter moments now collide with my darker days of grief.

In grief, as we "recover" and challenge ourselves with new adventures our energy can wane. We wonder if depression is our companion or are we simply physically and mentally worn out. We have felt that tinge of relief, of peace or gain and lunge after more. It is intoxicating to feel some relief.

Challenging yourself is great but renewel of simply rest, filling your bucket again and crediting yourself with each day's completion is "recovering" too. Recovering from the unknown terrain you have been traversing.

As my appetite for living fully again increases so has my appetite for food. Last week I imagined again myself as a pancake, on a hot skillet. Staying too long in one place, you can burn and trying nothing new leaves you unbaked and not at your true potential. Know when to flip your pancake. View what is cooking inside of you and turn it over from time to time. Then sweeten your progress with REAL maple syrup. Yum!

Room For Change: In Your Outlook

2010-03-22T17:25:00.007-04:00

As you move through your loss or grief, the smallest of changes can be absorbed into your renewed self discovery. The increasing courage creates unique perspectives of life.

A fine line exists between the heavy grief and the renewed joy in living. It is like an erased pencil line that smudges, knowing something was there but it serves no purpose to the complete story now.

Often as grievers we herald the cause to help others in grief because we have been there. We understand. We gain to heal from helping others. There may also come a time, when talking about our grief experience or listening to others speak of theirs becomes a burden." Been there, Done that", echoes in your head. It is not that you are no longer compassionate. It signals a time in your own healing when the past is no longer raw and you are renewed with hope because you have experienced the rawness first hand and created a path through it.

Just as within the early days of loss, when we are told to do what feels right for us, during the later days of recovery and growth, you do not have to feel that you must help others with their loss. Look to how you are feeling. Look to what buoys you up. Look to what immediate joys around you can share with others. Simply being where you are now , in a peaceful place, may be the signal to those in grief of a renewed and joyful outcome on the horizon.

Delight that your story is not complete but that your erasures let you start other chapters.
Your story is unique and gets richer when you concentrate on its main character, you, and how to support yourself and not everyone around you. A beautiful ending will fall into place for everyone.

Room For Change:Redefining Your Definition

2010-03-09T09:13:00.004-05:00

As healing in your loss widens in your journey, it can be untraceable. It does not feel better yet one day, you catch yourself smiling to the lyrics of a song, or softly and deeply breathing with the sun on your back as you sit in a park.

What you have become you may be still unaware of and still unaware of what you can become.

Grief and loss open the unexpected box of redefining your definition of you. What defines you this days? Are you speaking to others of what you do not have anymore or of what you are? Are you speaking of dreams that appear too large to swallow and assimilate in your life today?

Imagine the you without the loss. Imagine the you in full view of the world with your bruised ego, broken heart and retooled dreams. Imagine the little step you can make today to redefine what you define yourself to be.

" I was ______ and I now am ________."

Feel in the blanks with your own definition. Not the one that you left behind but the one you are building upon. Like the house with its 2x6 framing, you can decide where the windows will go ( what you want your vision to be) and where to locate the door( how you will enter this newly constructed life).

Change can be daunting, yet change can bring to the surface more solid footing for a productive and satisfied life . Like the framers of a new or remodeled home say, " Measure twice, cut once." Measure what you want within your walls at this juncture of loss and find a way to slip it within your redefinition of you.

Redefining yourself requires room for change. The room may provide unexpected treasures for you. Pick up your Stanley 25 foot Powerlock II tapemeasure and cut out what works for you this day.

Musical Circle:Wonders and Worries

2010-02-02T10:20:00.005-05:00

This poem is dedicated to Linda and Sleepy

Movement fills the air
moving of music
of legs of heart
energy circling
friends dearest friends moving
on-love surrendering
yet expanding, love in
death, love in life
What fine lines define it?

Aches in life, aches in
death.
Yet in all your underlaying
love for us. Bring it forth
in the darkest days
that the sliver of light expand
and touch those in need.
Cast upon us your light for their sake

Needing each other, being with each other, guiding
each other and supporting each other.
Let's ask, Let's love, Let's be.

Room for Change: Icing on the Cake

2010-01-19T09:26:00.009-05:00

Grief may slow us down in our present path or swerve us along unknown terrain, yet with every perceived "loss" there can be a "gain". Loss of job, friendship, partner or health may also change our daily habits, creating a sense of emptiness or void.

What can fill this void? Think of a two layer cake. Mine would be decadent chocolate. My perceived loss my spouse , my daughters leaving and my dog dying. On top of that my role as partner, mother and dog tender was gone.

The base layer of my cake, me. The upper level, my family. In between the frosting or glue that made it so sweet and held us together.
What else can be added?

Your foundation is firm, you have not lost anything but now have another chance to build.

Take this foundation. Add a little more spatula full of thick icing. It does not have to match the flavor of the cake. It can be a different flavor and consistency. What is wonderful is that you have another chance to decide how it will taste. Take the time to frost it with experiences that are supportive to you. Others will come along to sprinkle experiences on top.

Remembering that your layers of experience, love and insights are not lost in grief, they can create a sweeter and grander masterpiece because of your foundation. Maybe a three layer cake is in order.

What flavor will your icing be? Life can become sweeter with each layer of loss.

Room for Change: Addition and Subtraction Equals Growth

2010-01-05T09:09:00.005-05:00

How is it that one feels so stuck in grief? Is it the fact that so much has shaken up our world? Is it that because we put too many expectations on ourselves to accomplish what our role has been to us and the one lost? Is it maybe that others expect us to "move on" more quickly than we can ever envision.

First Step. Breathe. Let the air and day enter you and then simply let in go.. The exhale is rest, the inhale is nourishment for you. Our bodies during grief can become tense along with our minds. Let a deep breath allow a simple and occassional release.

Second Step. Add something new to your day. Maybe it could be reading a daily devotion or affirmation before you hit the computer to see if anyone has emailed you or before you look at that "to do" list that awaits your daily routine.

Third Step. Take away something from that list that you feel you must do today. Let the priorities rise and fall. Maybe today you take a nap with an old blanket and have your dog join you. Maybe today you buy yourself a new pair of shoes and throw away the sneakers you have been saving for when you do the dirty yard work.

Fourth Step. Add something physically new to your home. This could be a basket to contain all the incoming bills and paperwork that has become such a chore to you or even a new door mat as you enter the house. It could be a new essential oil fragrance added to your car.

Fifth Step. Take away or put away items on your counters, dresser or front closet that are not used daily. See space and opportunites, Shed just a little clutter.

Sixth Step. Add sparkle and shine. This could be as simple as removing the tarnish from an old silver hairbrush that belonged to your grandmother or cleaning the sliding door glass. It might be adding a crystal to the window where the morning sun creeps in. Adorning yourself with something bright like beads or a bracelet can lighten your day and add that sparkle that may be hidden deep inside during grief.

Grief can be like hopscotch . A toss, a miss, a step , an off balance stumble, going and returning, avoiding and landing. Remember that returning home, returning to the uniqueness and beauty in yourself are the steps that will support you in grief. There are friends around to cheer you on in quiet ways. Keep moving, adding and substrating to your days.

Room for Yourself: Creating Traditions in Grief

2009-11-20T10:34:00.016-05:00

Reflecting upon the traditions that may have pooled together in your childhood , how many have remained?

If you have melded families together then traditions have probably been remixed and sprinkled with others as children grow, as "artifacts" of past holidays are passed to the younger generation. Tradition may be what is celebrated, how it is celebrated and where it is celebrated is just as important.
Traditions may be not where you go, but what you prepare for food or make or what items you place seasonally in a place of recognition for significant remembrance or ritual.
Some families may not celebrate wedding anniversaries, some may always gather together for them. Some families may each and every year go to the Nutcracker to kick off the Christmas season even though not one of them can dance!

Grief in itself, can mark such a time , such a rememberance, counting the days or months from the event that changed our lives. It can resemble the young mother whom says her infant is 12 weeks old or envision its arrival as 3 months. Marking our grief may also begin a tradition for some. Is it a tradition that uplifts you or that holds you down? Looking at our progress rather than our past can prove empowering. Do you mark each day, each month with gray laden notches on a stick or place that stick, that you thought was dead into crystal clear water and watch the small thread like roots reach downward in the translucent vase and small sprouts of green rise upward. Your growth is always possible, each day, each moment. In grief, recognizing the growth in ourselves may seem impossible. Finding a way to celebrate our progress, creating a new tradition for ourselves can be fulfilling and as fun as the young child looking forward to the stockings being hung by the chimney with care.

What can you envision as a "reward" or festive tradition on this grief journey for you? A few suggestions follow that may buoy you up or add to ways you support yourself.

Get pampered. A manicure, pedicure, massage or a wonderful close shave and facial for the guys. TLC never hurt anyone

Go to a hotel. Rent a movie, get room service and buy yourself a new silk robe.

Picnic Hamper. Have a local deli create a surprise picnic for you. Let them know what kinds of things you like. Grab a old sheet or tablecloth and book, invite a young child to be your guest. Remember the bubbles .

Scent and Sentiment. Find a new small votive candle you enjoy and accompany it with a short poem or affirmation. Place them into a beautiful box or silky bag. Each month hunt for another candle or phrase to place in the container of your choice. This monthly scavenger hunt is fun. On your celebration day, you may again delight in your discovery. If you are like me, I often forget what I have bought!

Reach outward. There are many organizations where you can celebrate your progress by a monetary donation and help others progress as well in their dreams and independence. Two of my favorites are Heifer Project and Kiva. With your donations to The Heifer Project you can purchase baby chicks, goats, sheep and other livestock. The individual receiving such a animal agrees to nurture and raise more animals to donate to others. The circle widens in sharing and growth. The other organization called Kiva, allows you to select the individual or individuals you wish to support with a loan. Others will often join you to support such a loan. The individual receiving the loan has a certain time table in which to repay you. As you are repaid, you can elect to receive the money back or to reinvest it with someone else of your selection. It has been a rewarding experience for me.

Take away and add on. If a family tradition is daunting for you consider taking part of it away and adding on with something else. It may be that you do not "hold" New Year's Day dinner this year and celebrate at a restaurant. Maybe the giant Christmas tree is replaced with a minature one this year and you shop for new ornaments for it . Maybe this is the Easter that you go on the cruise you have dreamed about, with your choice to be involved in multiple activities or to be on deck with a book and blanket.

Expect the unexpected but expect that you deserve to celebrate your journey marker in grief in style and comfort. Forget about "surviving the holidays" and "surf the holidays" riding high on the waves of your journey!

On The Bolt, Fabric of Life

2009-11-06T09:32:00.008-05:00

Fabric wrapped on the bolt
Exposing only part of the pattern or dream
An edge of finish and tightness
An edge of salvage, they say, from what?

A thread is sprouting from the salvage
It is frayed it is free

What to do?
Cut it off. Roll it over and seam it down or
Grasp another fine golden thread and silver needle

The thread, hanging from the needle, awakens me
I cannot proceed without glasses, my true vision of what
is really happening at this moment

I darn, I create in this moment
Not covering up what has sprung from the fabric
but weaving it with more beauty in this moment.

Unrolling the bolt we see the same patterns
Repeated over and over
Yet with our glasses, our purer vision, we see small perceived imperfections
to weave into another more delicate, more unique and intricate patterns.

Room for Change:Expressing Yourself

2009-10-12T16:46:00.001-04:00

There is no formula for expressing yourself in grief just as there is no timetable or perfect way to transverse the process. The paramount theme is however expression.

Expression may be simply telling your family members you really want to be alone today or that their advise is welcome but only when you ask for it. Expression may be trying to understand why your late wife's sister demands that the closet be cleaned and finding the words to express your need to put things on hold for a while. Expressing your needs, in your surroundings, is crucial to a flowing grief process. You may have to negotiate with family members on how things are to be handled but allow your desires to be known.

Expression may take the form of artwork. It may be something you never did before. Losing oneself into a new activity is really not losing oneself, rather it is expanding oneself. Perhaps knitting, pottery or woodworking or jewerly making could stir an emotion. Creating something for someone else and then gifting it , is remarkably healing.

Expression through the written word is also helpful. Simply putting emotion or expression in a journal or on paper can release the words that may be flitting and bombarding your brain. No need to go back to them, just get them out. Poetry or even a list of feelings you are feeling can help you see what you are truly feeling and recognize that feelings do and can change.

I never wrote before my husband died. I was afraid to write in a journal because I was fearful of my own feelings being discovered by myself or someone else.. At the suggestion of a counselor I wrote before I went to bed during the first few months. It helped me to get some of the cobwebs out of my head in the often long nights. I have revisited the writings recently but only to observe the progress I have made in healing .In the grief process I have learned to express myself in another way, through writing. Without the loss I may have never discovered it.

Expression may take the form of dancing or singing in the local community choir. Expression may be creating a community garden. Expression may be talking to strangers in a bereavement group.

Expression is not good or bad. Expression just is. Allow new venues and activities to fill your space and support you on your journey in and through grief. Express your unique and growing self!

Room for Change:Supportive Spaces

2009-10-02T13:40:00.003-04:00

Oh, the places you'll go, as Dr. Seuss exclaims! With the many new and awakening choices you are making in grief, some are demanded of you and some are chosen by you. One of the choices you have is to discover what kind of environment, besides your home, do you choose to surround you.

In your solitude, a local library , may be a public space that provides you with movement of people yet not forced interaction. It will have fresh new magazines and publications awaiting your perusal or travelogues or reviews to engage you. Remember that what you do today, you do not have to do tomorrow. Often simply trying something is enough to lead you somewhere else with better or more appropriate footing.

Look at the space you choose to go. If you have enjoyed community theatre in the past, maybe a subscription to the next season is in order. I have frequently bought two tickets and then invited different friends. If I did not feel like going I gave them away as a treat for someone else.

The classroom, whether it be local school evening sessions or investigative classes at the community college are possibilities for you. Your mind can be stimulated and the rhythm of a weekly class gives some semblance of order to your week.

Do not underestimate the power of volunteering when you are in grief. I volunteered at the local soup kitchen and smiled when I thought I could not. There is much to be said about appreciation of others, on both sides of the counter. I also volunteered with preschoolers during their " gym" session. How can one not see the grace and love in the little children? One particular 4 year old asked me," How old will you be on your birthday?" I replied , I am 49. She retorted back," That is not what I asked you." Hm mm, I learned a lesson in listening. She then told me that was a big number and that when my birthday came my head would hit the ceiling! Of course she was referencing the fact that I was already 6 feet and with every birthday came getting bigger and taller. Her precious words stuck and the smile did too.

Maybe you like to dance but without a partner are reluctant. Line dancing, ballroom dancing, contra and square dancing , all provide solo opportunities to step out in a safe and encouraging space. If art has been a passion for you and has been laid aside, maybe a pottery or photography course will fit the bill. There are many short term class schedules in most community arenas.

The quest is to place yourself in spaces that support your authentic self and the opportunity to use your talents or the opportunity to try on new activities. This is a time of self discovery and also a time to test the waters in your own boat. What floats your boat? It may be something different these days. Give it a try. The shoreline is not far away and the breeze is fine! Happy sailing.

Courage to Change

2009-09-26T21:47:00.005-04:00

Changing, the forces from behind and below,

Lifting to the surface the challenges that lie dormant

Changes coming from beneath or forming from resistance to see the Truth

Changes from fear or Changes from Truth

Look on the surface.

Striated and Smooth. Irritated and Peaceful.

Blending materials to create the perfection and courage to change.

Wonderings and Ponderings

2009-08-25T15:26:00.004-04:00

Pooling in the undermath of motion
Relating to the scenery and climate
Adapting yet not melding into the surrounding form

Uprooted and uplifted by change
On the surface soil

Being and existing, no clinging
Wanderings and ponderings

The Crevice

2009-08-23T21:41:00.001-04:00

What slides along or beneath or between the cracks of our walk?

Dusty edges, crumbling foundation and sandy soil hint of what consequences our momentum creates within our lives

Providing foundation for growth for others. Slowing the progress of others or even creating a boundary of no crossing, a dead end.

Choices of ours affecting choices of others… the crevice, the circle, the circumstances, the Christ. Remembering us in others and upholding ourselves in Christ along the crevice.

The Moat

2009-08-21T21:36:00.004-04:00

Catapulting the moat without knowledge of what lies
beneath my returning feet.

Aggression with motion
an earnest feeling of passion
yet transcends not peace.

How is it that the drawbridge be lowered?
I seek, but with metal claws, not silent wisdom
of the sages.

Can wisdom be received in motion? Can motion disturb the
silence too much to hear the answer?

Grant me greater stillness Lord, to hear thy voice,
to let down the drawbridge of my heart and others to
receive.

May springing forward, the leaping through air be on
the wings of thy grace, not the aggression of fear.

Praise be.

LIFE AS A CRAYON

2009-08-04T16:02:00.003-04:00

REMEMBER. REMEMBER THE FIRST BOX OF CRAYONS. THE SLIDING, THE GLIDING, THE SLIPPERY LINE TAKING ITSELF FOR A RIDE. YOU PICKED IT FROM THE BOX AND IT WAS ON ITS WAY TO WORDS, TO IDEAS OR CREATIVITY.

THE CRAYONS WERE NAMED INCREDIBLY TANTALIZING COLORS, BUT RED, BLUE, GREEN WITH A PASSING FLAVOR OF TWO BLENDED TOGETHER BEGAN YOUR SELECTION PROCESS, YOUR STEPPING OUT INTO THE WORLD BECOMING INDEPENDENT, CREATING AN IDENTITY ON PAPER FOR YOURSELF AND AN IDENTITY YOU WANTED OTHERS TO SEE IN YOU.

THEY GOT BROKEN, TAPED, TOSSED AWAY AND OFTEN WERE ADDED TO WAX TO MAKE CHRISTMAS CANDLES. FROM THE CRISP BOX WITH SOLID EDGES OF DELINEATION TO AN OLD COFFEE CAN ON THE SHELF BUT THEY KNEW THEY WOULD BE FOUND BY YOU IN INSPIRATION AND PLAY.

TODAY, I FEEL LIKE ONE OF THOSE CRAYONS, FRESH FROM THE BOX, BUT LAYING ON THE SCORCHING SIDEWALK ANTICIPATING A CHILD'S REACH OR THE BATTING BY A CAT. THERE IS LONGING TO BE USED TO CREATE, TO BE INDEPENDENT IN MY CREATION. THERE IS ALSO A LONGING TO BE PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER THAN ME.. MAYBE A LOVER, MAYBE A PARTNER, MAYBE A FRIEND.

MY COLOR NAME IS " NOT SO BLUE". IT CONTAINS HOPE, LOVE , FAITH WITH A BIT OF LONGING. LONGING TO BE PICKED UP OFF THE HOT SIDEWALK AND USED TO CREATE EVEN MORE BEAUTY IN THIS WORLD.

WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU NAME YOURSELF? WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE? WHO WOULD BE PICKING YOU UP?

LIFE AS A CRAYON. HMMMMM.....

The Run Away Phoenix

2009-08-02T08:40:00.005-04:00

Who are you rising up from the ashes?

The Phoenix?

The remnant of what was or what you imagine you can be?

Awake child to the uniqueness in you

The beauty in you

Without the value others place on your wings

Or the weight you place upon them

Let your light

Your lightness help sail you

Through the skies of love ,peace and enchantment.

Room for Change:Controlling Clutter, Opening Opportunites

2009-07-26T22:31:00.001-04:00

My procrastination in the writing about clutter held me captive for days. As I reflected on this procrastination I considered several things and the greatest of these is that I have not been an expert in clutter control. My downsizing and purging of items in my life has not been easy. I must admit it is always easier for me to do clutter control for others and with others. With the death of my spouse, my daughters moving away and my own transition to a smaller abode, I am becoming more confident in my abilities, but even more confident in the profound effects that controlling clutter can create for those in grief.

In grief , de-cluttering offers room for growth in your physical setting and in your mind. Items attract our attention in ways both great and small. Too much clutter can make it difficult to bring something new into our environment or even too difficult to find something cherished already existing in it.

In grief our minds as well as our environments can be cluttered with things, with thoughts, with decisions to make that we may have not been prepared to make. In de-cluttering or redesigning our physical environment, one's goal is to put back items that support not hinder. Perhaps the mind cluttering and activities we perform could also use a bit of redesigning.

Clutter affects different people in different ways.

Clutter can

Keep you in the past
Confuse you
Be unhealthy physically and even a fire hazard
Decrease financial resources available to you: insurance, storage lockers, maintenance and cleaning
Keep you ashamed: limiting access to your home of friends and family
Keep you fatigued: just thinking about the clutter can "tire" you.
According to Karen Kingston, author of several books dealing with clutter and energy, clutter can be divided into four categories.

1. Things you do not use or love

2. Things that are untidy or disorganized

3. Too many things in too small a space

4. Anything unfinished

The time of transition in your life is also a great time to reap the benefits of purging or clearing house of the items above. This is also a task that friends or professionals can assist you with completing. There is no hurry to do it all at once but little tasks like cleaning out your "junk" drawer one day will offer you a sense of accomplishment and create some order in your life.

The first thing to do is to assess an area to tackle, be it the junk drawer, the front closet or even your coffee table or book shelf.

Second is to set up a simple system. Four piles or boxes are a good start. One pile is for donation or recycling or selling. Selling could be done through garage sale, Ebay or Craig's List. This is a prime opportunity to enlist your friends help. The second pile is for trash. The third pile is to save. The fourth pile can be items that will be going back to the drawer, closet or shelving. If you do want to save it, label it with a listing of general contents and the date packed . My preference is a clear bin that can easily be accessed if I need something. If I do not go and seek something within a year in that bin, chances are that I do not need it. Of course important tax papers or receipts are an exception. If what you want to keep is a keepsake item, keep it or them to a minimum. Or if they are keepsakes for someone else, maybe you can box them up and give them to them now, freeing some space for you.

To reiterate, clutter tends to keep you in the past, keeps you tired, confuses you, makes you ashamed to have people to your home, keeps things on hold, entails extra time and energy to clean and is a health and fire hazard.

There is always the opportunity if you stow something away for a while you may not miss it. There is also the opportunity to bring it back out and stow something else in its place and really enjoy the novelty of this object in your surroundings again. Things are always changing and providing yourself with a change by de-cluttering creates such space. This space can create wealth and space for others.

Learn to lighten the load. Professional Organizers and Redesigners are excellent resources to help you jump start the process. Remember the task is done is small steps. One drawer at a time or one cupboard at a time is truly enough. What truly supports you? The things? The items? The stuff? Or is it the people around you that support you and what happens within your space? Open it up, lighten in up and ask for help if needed. You will be surprised what such a space will attract! A smile in the least.

Room for Change:On the Road Again

2009-07-22T09:43:00.006-04:00

Change your outlook. Change your perspective. Change your location. All three can create unbridled opportunities for you.

During my first "solo" Christmas a friend presented me with an overnight bag decorated with dogs in bright red. Would I have picked that out myself? Probably not. Did I use it? Still do , but now it holds my hip scarves when I travel to dance class. ( Did I belly dance before my husband died? Not)

My friend suggested it as my new overnight bag and I am suggesting one for you. In addition a list of things to tuck into it is suggested. Let's call it the "Sunrise Satchel". This satchel and spontaneity will keep you afloat. Place it in your car ( or closet) and you will always be ready.

Suggested Contents for Your Satchel

Water bottle and tea bags... you can always get some hot water or put your tea bags in your water bottle and place it in the sun, for sun tea

A journal, magazine and local map

A change of clothes, PJ's, and toothbrush

A flashlight

A 20 dollar bill

A small directory of important phone numbers

A small appointment book

A small bag of nuts and/or dried fruit

This satchel is not only for overnights. This bag helps when you may just need a respite.It is also great for any road emergency or an impromptu afternoon in the park. With the basics wrapped in your satchel , you are on the road again.

Go pick out that sachel. The one that is out of the ordinary and extraordinary just like you! Have fun and safe travels.

The Gaps in Grief

2009-07-20T16:45:00.008-04:00

Last weekend I attended a gathering of about 200 widows in San Diego. Whew, that must have been exciting I hear being whispered. She really is reaching I hear in hushed voices. Well, reaching yes, but more than that, receiving.

In grief, there are voids, there are gaps there are wide pauses that appear endless. As I sat on the plane for the trip to San Diego I reviewed how far I had travelled in space and time since my husband's passing. More striking was in this stillness , the sitting beside a stranger over the past 5 years and what had happened. What had transpired in that gap or void in my existence?

1. A Friar who missioned with orphans in India, switched seats and prayed with me.
2. A newly divorced woman who cared for abused dogs gave me her number and sent me a note and a Christmas card.
3. A young mother from India, complemented me on the color I was wearing and we shared our common thread of moving and now a lunch last week.
4. A college girl gave me her mom's name and address and then her mom and I became friends.
5. A older woman, never married, showed me the courage to go out and do something for me on my own.
6. A young couple wished me well traveling to this conference and acknowleged my "strength" and believed in my unrealized succeess.

The people- all kinds- all walks- all visions.
The place- a seat next to me on an airplane.
Why? Because we all care and we all matter.

STRANGERS IN FLIGHT

IN THE VOID
IN THE GAP
EXPECTATIONS THAT THOSE WHO KNEW ME WOULD FILL THEM

FLIGHTS ON AIR
TOUCHING ELBOWS AND HEARTS
WITH STRANGERS

THE VOID WAS INTERUPTED LIKE THE FEATHER FALLING FROM A NEST OR AN AUTUMN LEAF FROM A TREE. IT WAS NOT FILLED WITH MY EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS, NOR THE EXPECTATIONS OF ME. RATHER TRANSFORMED BY THE GRACE OF STRANGERS AND THE LOVE FROM ABOVE.

In this 5 year anniversary , HE says well done great and faithful servant. Thanks to all of you!

Room for Change:Nourishment for Body and Mind

2009-07-09T19:07:00.005-04:00

The kitchen, the room designated for food preparation and eating, is considered the heart of the home in many cultures. When people gather it creates a natural haven for conversation, fellowship and nourishment. Nurturing yourself with good food that supports you is important at all times, but especially during grief with the potential stressors of change.

Savor the Start. Start your day by honoring the progress you are making. Ideas might include a new mug filled with your favorite drink, the lighting of a new candle as you prepare breakfast or the reading a fresh quote from an inspiring book. Honoring yourself for your achievements with gratitude can be a great morning platform.

Support Yourself.With change arises opportunities to create new patterns to support yourself. It could be having dinner in a newly created space or simply adding a new routine. If you find that the television is your dinner partner, go with that. Set yourself a portable tray in the kitchen that can hold a plate, cup and condiments. Place a colorful washable place mat underneath it for quick clean ups and to prevent sliding. Consider buying yourself a new place setting to bring some newness to the dining experience. You can find inexpensive ones at a Dollar Store or even T.J. Maxx. It could have the colors you like, a motive or even a hobby. Little pleasures like these are non threatening and if you change your mind, the investment was not great. Using a nice piece of crystal stemware often reserved for special occasions or china plate is also pampering. Why wait? Celebrate the progress you have made as little as it may seem.

Consider Carryout. Getting Carryout and going to a local park to eat is another option for your solo dining experiences. You may be solo, but watching nature or a ball game or hearing children play can have a soothing effect and change your perspective if only for a short period of time. It may be a great spot to share with your dog as well.
Request the best. When friends do ask what they can do for you, maybe this is the time to ask for some mini meals that will freeze. You will benefit from the support of friends and sharing food that can nourish you both. Receiving is as important as giving , so look for opportunities to share this time. Maybe your friends could present you with a packet of "coupons" for a selected number of dinners at their home. Often it is easier to decide when you want to go out and when to stay home and this option can be helpful for both of you.

Open up to Opportunities. The first time my mother and I went out to dinner, I cried at the bar as we waited for our table. She inquired what was so amiss. I spilled forth, " I don't want to be a barfly." She chuckled lovingly and hugged me. Expressing yourself is great. New experiences can be trying but can be rewarding as well. She found " barfly" napkins at a novelty store and now we had a standing joke. Shortly after my husband died, my father did as well .We laughed with our new roles but could cry with our common stories.

Nourishing your entire body to support your new activities is of utmost importance in moving through grief. If your eating spot has changed, make certain it is comfortable,bright and colorful in flavor. You deserve the best!

Room for Change:Consider Color

2009-06-19T13:03:00.002-04:00

As we tread our way through grief with newly emerging thought patterns, we frequently return to past memories and our heads are focused downward. Our hearts can feel heavy, not light, and our trodden path rather gray and dull. Little seems to spark our interest.

Consider color http://tinyurl.com/lrjd37

Last week I moved to a new town. Everything I viewed was new, nothing appeared in focus. One new corner looked like the next. Everything seemed gray, nothing sparked my interest, except I knew this was the place I had landed and it was up to me to find my way. Similar disorientation accompanied me with the death of my husband but on an even larger scale, but in that transition I was in the same city I have lived in for years. Little came to life or made sense even in its familiarity.

Color sparked my interest yesterday in this new town as I researched a new exercise routine to get me out of my new home on a daily basis. Color also moved me forward. It was a colored cloth attached with coins that sat on a table in a store window in a nondescript strip shopping mall. The owner sold bellydance items and taught dance lessons in Latin and Middle Eastern dance. I called the owner and was encouraged by her to come try a lesson that evening. That color sparked my interest and moved me forward, making a positive change happen to me in a nondescript colorless day. It happened to be the first day the owner had placed the glitzy laden accessories in the window.

Often without thinking, we gravitate towards certain colors, whether is be in the clothing we wear, the wall colors we choose to surround us or the bedding and towels we use on a daily basis.. What colors do you gravitate towards these days? What colors soothe you? What colors make you happy? What colors surround you? You may have found that your favorite colors have changed.

Color therapy, used in complementary and alternative medicine,uses colors for their proposed healing abilities in treating emotional and physical condtions. It's premise is that certain colors cause a set response in an individual. There is however a lack of scientific evidence supporting color therapy. It's effectiveness and safety have not been studied completely.

Color may not help us heal,but it could help bring of spark of light in a day that feels dreary.
In grief one can feel lifeless, gray and dormant. Pick your favorite color and splash it somewhere. You can change it and yourself each day.

Blessings of the rainbow.

Room for Change:The Nose Knows

2009-06-19T12:59:00.001-04:00

Just as visual memories in grief continue to reflect onto our present daily lives, the sense of smell permeates our home and memories too. We can become so familiar with the aroma of our soap in the shower stall or the fragrance of our loved one's cologne that we no longer smell it. How often have you remembered a smell from your grandmother's house when you were little that wafted past you unexpectedly years later, only to be taken back there within seconds?

Aromas are powerful triggers for memories as well as helpful "friends". Aromatherapy in the home may be a welcome addition to your home during this transition through grief. Aromatherapy may be as simple as burning a scented candle or plugging in a diffuser into your electrical wall socket or even adding cinnamon to the top of coffee in the morning. It may be opening the windows to the scent of the afternoon breeze and the smell of freshly cut grass or even your sheets out drying on a sunny day.

Aromatherapy could be placing cedar chips in your closet of winter clothes or placing a pine needle sachet in your sweater drawer. All of these may evoke subtle cognitive changes , mostly pleasurable, yet unique to each of us. There is no exact formula in what is pleasurable from one person to another.

Some people believe that certain aromas trigger specific physical responses or mental responses. There are few studies to support such claims. One,however,in the International Journal of Neuroscience, compared use of aromatherapy in assessing EEG activity, alertness and mood. Two groups were given three minutes of aromatherapy. The lavender group showed increased beta power, suggesting increased drowsiness and less depressed mode, while reporting feeling more relaxed.The rosemary group, showed decreased alpha and beta power, suggesting more alertness. They were also faster, but not more accurate at completing math computations after the aromatherapy session.

What does that mean for you? Probably not much unless you want to reap the benefits of better calculation time! It may however help you to reflect upon what aromas make you feel more enlivened. What aromas seems to stimulate your desire to eat? What aromas remind you of a peaceful place where your mind may want to wander? What aromas just smell good to you?

Adding new fragrances to our favorite ones will not help us to forget our well forged memories but they can help us to form new pleasant ones to add to our collection. Memories of our loved ones are packaged with care. Adding additional pleasant aromas is the perfect topping in helping us move forward through grief. What scents bring you pleasure?

International Journal of Neuroscience,Volume 96, Issue 3&4 December 1998,pages 217-224

Authors affiliations: University of Miami School of Medicine, Duke University Medical School and Aroma Therapy Associates

Room for Change:Help with Hangers, The Closet

2009-06-12T12:32:00.007-04:00

One of the most difficult spaces in the home to address after the death of our loved one is the closet.

The clothes, being the closest physically to our loved plus the memories associated with certain clothes with certain times can create an overload on our senses and keep this spot a place most difficult to address. I have found that this space often requires the help of family, including the children and outside assistance, whether it be professionals or volunteer organizations.

If you are "stuck" or lost on what to do some suggestions follow. Again, as in all grief work, there is no timetable. Change will come, but often change can come sooner if there is physical room to grow. The closet is often one of the first big steps in this change. This is one place where removing an item may feel like we are dishonoring the memory of the person. It need not be true. Their memory will survive and flourish.

Consider the following:

If you are not going to be using it , make it purposeful and donate it to someone who can use it or to an organization that will. Consider this recycling for the planet and a gift to others. Many churches or social organizations will gladly pick up clothes. After the death of my husband a local missionary and his wife came and collected my late husband clothes and they were sent to Africa. My daughters and I discussed a few items to keep and put them into a large clear storage bin that we would review later in time. When asked if family members wanted items some were afraid to say no. Remember their desire to have items owned by the deceased does not necessarily mean they do not care to carry on the memory. Some of us are more visual or tactile than others and some of us carry our memories without many objects near to us.

Several suggestions for using the clothing that may be in the closet or dresser drawers is to make a quilt out of different pieces of clothing to give to needy children or donate to an organization. One person I knew opened up the old ties and sewed them together to create a table runner. My church has a quilting circle that will gladly accept materials and fabric to repurpose into a quilt or blanket for those in need. Another person took her mother's old costume jewelry from dresser drawer and glued the random pieces onto Styrofoam balls tethered with ribbon. These created Christmas ornaments for the family members. Would you consider gluing such items onto a box or even glass vase to hold flowers and catch the dancing light? This may be the time to enlist the services of a friend that sews to create something for you.

This is also a time when the services of a professional organizer or interior redesigner may be of benefit. Professional organizers can work with you side by side to evaluate what you have and what you need and what can be donated or sold. It is a way to incorporate a more neutral decision maker into the path of change. Many redesigners also do "clutter control" and have an eye for repurposing items and how to transform any existing space into either a more efficient,practical or beautiful setting for you without purchasing items. An example of this may be using a closet, that is not holding clothes now, to be used as a study or office area. Closet doors may be removed and the cubicle now created can house a desk or shelves to provide that niche to work, write or for computer use. A mirror placed inside the "closet " can open up the room thereby bringing in more light and creating a more spacious feeling. I used a small walk in closet and by placing a free floating desk top, made it into my office cubicle. When my "work day" is finished I simply close the door. It is painted a bright tropical turquoise, while everything else in the house remains a cool neutral. It provides me a fun working space unique to me.

Closets that are cleaned out can also house a dresser, thereby freeing floor space in the room. The newly discovered space could perhaps to accommodate a chair to create a reading nook, or another place to call your own. Closets are a great place to experiment with fragrances you might enjoy within their confined space. Diffusers or air fresheners are economical. Find one that is pleasant to you. Using extra closet shelves to house a collection or even a few photos is also a possibility. I always find a place to prop a childhood doll of mine. The whimsy of spotting her from time to time helps to keep me lightened up!

Remember there are people and organizations willing to help you move forward when you are ready. Enlist whatever support you need. Others can benefit in what you can offer to donate or sell.

Resources for closet revamping include:

Goodwill http://goodwill.org

Salvation Army http://salvationarmyusa.org

Association of Design Education http://www.associationofdesigneducation.com

National Association of Professional Organizers http://www.napo.net

Interior Redesign Industry Specialist http://www.wereredesign.com

Listing your items on Craigslist.com can help you sell items locally with no advertising cost. Most individuals will pick them up from you directly.

Lighten your space and enlighten your heart!

Room for Change: In Me

2009-06-11T10:36:00.006-04:00

At the prodding of my meditation teacher that became my mentor and friend, I wrote a small piece about a photo of a horse in skeletal form. I came upon it today and as writer's block whisked upon me ( think it should be called thinker's block instead) I decided to rewrite the horse's story in this blog hoping to conjure up other insights that may be dormant awaiting to explode or at least seep forth! This is for Marcie.

Austin's Story

It was a surprise to happen upon Austin. I could not tell if he was ready to be released from where he came or if his emergence from the soil still stunned him. He pranced and danced in the sunshine with no knowledge that I looked on. His transparency was like a dream, yet he was solid and firm- as if nothing could push him over or wear him down. I was afraid to whisper, afraid to let him know of his presence. There remained an innocence in his stance and being.

Gathering the nerve to let his dream stance and solitude be disturbed I reached into my pocket for the red apple left over from lunch. The wispy threads of the lining of the pocket whirled off of it on the wind. Stepping towards his left flank I lightly tossed the apple and it rolled in a squiggly line , lodging in a worn patch of grass. My silent prayers went out for Austin to discover what and who he was and if he chose to be amongst us, know that we acknowledge him and will care for him.

What did I learn? Perhaps we are not as transparent as we seem to be. Perhaps others try to create our reality, but only we can come to life and participate in it, when we are ready.

So he then donned his finest saddle and nodded his head and asked. "Are you ready to ride?"

I nodded back silently and said it would be my honor. I hadn't thought about it before, but being a Sagittarius, I am portrayed as half horse, half person and in that instant, upon the weathered saddle and his sun drenched legs I became one with him. What a moment!

Thank you Marcie, my friend, my teacher.

Room for Change:No More Casseroles, Please?

2009-06-03T23:13:00.005-04:00

As we grief in our loss,many friends,relatives and neighbors want to help but do not know how. Too often the help is within the first month when you may not be ready to receive or even know what to suggest to them that may truly help you.

Below are some suggestions, other than casseroles, for you to suggest to them. If you are that friend, consider asking the griever if your outreach would feel "right" to them. If you are that friend, honor the griever and do ask permission. Asking them, empowers them and rewards you in knowing that a need is truly met. Casseroles are still great, but....

Leave a new magazine or short note on the doorstep for 8 consecutive weeks without speaking. Just ring the doorbell.
Deliver food in one serving containers that can be frozen. Light meals,like soup,chili,pot pies, where multiple ingredients are mingled. This means good taste,good nutrition and ease of preparation.
Give your friend a grocery list and have them deliver the items to you.
If you are not a cook and have kitchen items, swap the items with the friend in exchange for one meal a week for 6 months. Maybe make it a Tuesday tradition for each of you.
If you have tools or equipment in the garage you are not using, donate the tools to the friend and ask to exchange for "X" numbers of handyman service hours in the next year!

As a friend consider

Placing an affirmation into an inexpensive frame or send a new one each week. We all love to get surprise packages.
Offering to have your lawn service cut their grass or shovel the snow for 3 months.
Give a flower a week for 52 weeks. Place the flower in recycled jar and leave on the doorstep. Kindness abounds.
Give your friend a comfort box to open when they are ready. Place inside: new slippers,Twizzler's,candle,book of short stories, an Etchasketch,glass ornament for window, a fuzzy blanket,a stuffed animal with name tag to fill out for it. Allow fun!

These ideas are steppingstones for your creativity. The only rule is " No Rules Allowed".

May those in grief find comfort in the small changes you make in your life. You are a champion and deserve the honor bestowed upon you. Abundant blessings await you!

Room for Change: Living in the Nest

2009-06-01T22:57:00.009-04:00

As we find ourselves walking through grief we may also find ourselves sitting still in grief. The living room that might have held the family activities of time past may seem like an underused and over sized cavern of memories. Many newer homes have replaced the conventional living room with the "great room" making the delegated space for a smaller family feel daunting.

Your living room or your nesting spot, may be ready for some transition. Some suggestions follow.

Capture the view. Reposition the sofa to catch a better view of the outside or move a rocking chair next to a window with a small reading table beside it. Nothing but nature provides unsolicited entertainment.
Take a leap. Move the sofa away from the wall. It will not necessarily make the room look smaller and may provide a coziness that is most welcome. Covering the sofa with a slipcover in a soft chenille or ultrasuede fabric may be comforting in your reclining times of repose.
Punch it up. This is the time when some vibrant or new color pillows can dazzle you with little expense. You may want to add a burst of color with a small area rug to anchor your sitting area and thereby making it feel more intimate.
Light it up. Remember besides opening the drapes for natural light, up lights behind plants, floor or table lamps and full spectrum lighting for the "blues" are all comforting.
Swap meet. Swap out a sofa for two over sized chairs. The chairs need not match, only have a similar proportion to each other. You can be cradled more in such a chair and when company visits the conversation may be more comfortable than on a big solo piece of furniture. If the loved one you lost has a favorite chair sitting vacant sliding it into another room may be helpful in your transition through grief. If it fits you and its presence harbors no terrible memories let it be. Give yourself permission to change things and change them back again. Nothing is static.
Nesting notes. If during times of this transition through grief you truly "nest" and have a difficult time moving around the house, set up your nesting spot, wherever it might be with some of the following: phone, notepad and pencil, tissues, pleasant scented candle or diffuser with essential oils. If in the past you always burned a vanilla scented candle perhaps a peppermint or citrus would be suggested to assist with concentration or a lavender for re"nester", but rather a "roamer", having difficulty in sitting down for a few minutes. All of the above may still assist you, along with some freshly brewed chamomile tea or a decaffeinated warm drink or soup. Taking time to rest is a gift you give yourself.

My daughter reminded me during my time in grief of RINAWOT. What is that, I asked. RINAWOT she told me stands for Resting Is Not a Waste of Time! Be kind to yourself. Naps are refueling.

Changing position of items in your nest can help you to relax and to refuel in a time of changes.

Changing your routine can help as well. Consider using a different door to enter the house or walking the opposite way in your neighborhood on your daily walk. Maybe getting the mail at a different time of day or even adding a simple task like taking your morning coffee in a different chair may open your eyes to new possibilities or simply change perspective a bit.

Wherever you may land these days, look for a way to maximize your comfort and bring some new insight to all that surrounds you. Make it your way and make it comforting. You deserve it!

Room for Change: Lighting The Way

2009-04-24T04:28:00.023-04:00

Walking a new path may bring with it hesitation and trepidation of the unknown or excitement and illumination in the possibilities on the horizon. Grief often presents us with both , forming a path that appears to widen and be bright then narrow and dim with possibilities.

Darkness cannot exist in the presence of light. Physical light can "lighten" our spirits and energy. In grief there may be even more reasons to consider the sources of light you have surrounding you.

How can you let the light shine in your space to help you

move forward?

Slide aside. Is it possible for you to change out the heavy drapes or curtains on your windows and replace them with sheers or an airy pleated shade that can still provide insulation for your windows? Would you consider moving the sheers to the side in the morning to let more sunlight shine through and bring more sights of nature in? Simply removing the screens from windows where they are not needed can brighten your room.

Reflecting beauty. Nothing is easier than a mirror to double the pleasure of something beautiful or bright. Mirrors are inexpensive items to enhance the feeling of space as well as the feeling of lightness. Use mirrors to reflect something beautiful like the outdoors , a chandelier or your face upon entry into the home. Mirrors are effective in moving energy as well according to the study of feng shui. Moreover, mirrors just feel good. Just keep them clean!
Shine on through. Glass table tops on coffee tables or side tables will also reflect interior lighting that you may have close by or light from outside. Glass also creates a feeling of greater space . Add to a tabletop serving dishes of crystal or colored glass. Grab a recycled jar and fill it with marbles, stones or sand. Add a votive candle to it and another source of brightness can fill your room. Using the same idea with coffee beans in the kitchen is practical and easy as well. When the candle warms up , so do the beans!
Triangle pose. The tripod is a steady and firm foundation. When lighting your room think of the triangle as well. Try to incorporate at least three sources of light in your room. These sources could be floor lamps, table top lamps, overhead lighting, accent lamps or low voltage ambient lighting. Using a floor lamp with a full spectrum bulb is an extra bonus as you can get the health benefits of sunshine while indoors. Placing the sources into a "triangle" in the room helps to eliminate unwanted dark areas of the room.
Great timing. Consider timers for many of the lights you use regularly. In the winter it is especially comforting to have the way lit ahead of time. Using energy saving bulbs is helpful as well.
Bright ideas. If others are asking how they may help consider the following. Ask them to wash a few of your windows inside and out, especially the ones you use the most. Suggest to them some of your favorite scented candles and maybe they could purchase you one or two. The newer soy candles on the market are a healthy alternative to your space. If you like the idea of candles but are concerned with the flame, suggest to them the battery powered candles that flicker and cast a warm glow.

Let that light shine!

Room for Change: One Step at a Time Through Grief

2009-04-15T08:06:00.002-04:00

Often in daily life we tend to get ahead of ourselves with the "to do" list or "should" list or "what if" list that may accompany our decisions. In and through grief these lists often magnify and may appear never to shrink. Remember your uniqueness , your innate creativity and your ultimate need to traverse this new uncharted time the way it feels best for you.

I started writing with inspiration from a group of unique and beautiful people attending a bereavement group sponsored by High Peaks Hospice. They inspired me with their stories of perseverance. In my exuberance to share "Room for Change" ideas with others, I neglected to preface this blog's intention: Creating change in your home by re-arranging items and thereby changing outlook.

Change in grief may be the last thing you want to do. Perhaps you did not want it and you may have not asked for it, but it is here. Your home with all its memories, its textures, its quirkiness and its aromas may seem like the only essence you have left of your loved one. Navigating through your home may feel daunting. Ask yourself the following questions.

What is the hardest part of being in the house?
When is the hardest time?
What brings you comfort? Anything at all?
Where do you tend to spend most of your time when you are home?
Why there? Does it feel secure? Feel warm? Is it place you always land?
Is this comfortable place a new place recently created or a place you have always retreated to bring solace?

Previous blogs on "Room for Change" have addressed the bedroom, the bathroom and the front door and ways in which small changes to the above can assist moving through grief. I will be exploring other areas of the home . What areas of your home can use a "tweaking" to help you take an additional step in moving forward and in healing? Please let me know so we can address them. Inspire yourself and replace the "have to " lists with the "want to " lists.

Blessings to you in each unique step.

Room For Change: Meditative Motion In Grief

2009-04-14T18:30:00.001-04:00

Some people transition through the changes that grief presents them with daily routine.

The rhythm of the routine helps to keep their momentum moving forward in this time of adaptation to many different events and activities in their lives.

Some people take greater moments in this time of grief to be quiet, still and reflective. They may find personal introspection the insight they need to move forward.

In our individual manners of traversing this new road, all ways and rhythms are good, fine and timely.

In our home environment simple additions to rooms or windows can assist participating in the rhythm of life, either passively, actively or both.

Get closer to nature. Set a comfortable chair next to the window and watch the birds' flight to an outside bird feeder or birdbath. The sweeping flights and their effortless dance can be soothing.

Let the windows sparkle. A crystal , separating morning sun into rainbows, will be an easy way to cast color and movement on your walls. Other sun catchers of an object or inspiration are also beautiful and require no maintenance!

Wind at work. I have placed a group of butterflies dangling on a fishing line in front of my window and above the heat or cooling duct. When the air starts to move, so do they in small rhythmic patterns of their own. When the windows are open they twist and turn to nature's own pattern.

Water within. Fish tanks or water fountains in the home are always ways to bring movement and a rhythmic sense to the moment. Fish have been considered lucky to many cultures and their movement meditative. They can require little care and bring a feeling of contentment and peace in watching. The water fountain, placed either inside or outside the home, creates a soothing sound without a continual drone. Each splish and splash is unique unto the other.

Warm the hearth and heart. A fire , whether "faux" or wood burning, can be mesmerizing and soothing as well. There are some very inexpensive freestanding fireplaces or wood stoves that provide the aesthetics of a real fire and also cast heat to the room on demand. The flames with their unique patterns and lightness can also quiet our thoughts for a few seconds or minutes, bringing comfort visually or physically.

Your soothing touch. You may have other ways to bring meditative motion into your home or outside of it. It may be seasonal or may be daily. My hammock in the backyard, which may cradle me for only minutes on an occasional afternoon is meditative in its movement and requires nothing of me, but to rest. What is yours?

Suggestions:

fish in tank

crystals in windows

mobiles

bird feeders

wind chimes

fireplaces

fountains

Room For Change: Your Grand Entrance Through Grief

2009-04-11T08:05:00.003-04:00

In grief sometimes people go into hiding and avoid social contact, while others have family and friends through the threshold constantly. Sprucing up the front door can say " yes world, come on in" or it can say " I'm needing private time now."

Your grand entrance into your home, may be the front door, may be the the side garage door or may be the hallway from the main foyer. In all circumstances your entry into it sets the stage for you and speaks to others whom may visit. This is spot where your individual creativity and special uniqueness may abound.

What small changes can you make to your front door to bring pleasure to you and give a hint to others of what you love?

Hang and herald a statement. This can be as simple as a welcome sign or a plaque with your name or nickname on it. It may be a wreath adorned with flowers or birds expressing your love of nature. Two years ago a mother bird found my wreath on the front door and made her nest. She also made her mess, but the cleanup was well worth it! If you do woodworking or have fabric art skills perhaps a piece of your artwork may be hung upon the door or adjacent to it. These items are easily changed from season to season and can cost very little.

Light the way. In the evening it is comforting to know upon your arrival home that a light is already on outside and inside your entrance. A motion sensor exterior light can provide exterior light as well as safety. A small lamp in your entry on a timer can bring a welcoming evening warmth. Exterior lights that flush the yard with ambient light are comforting as well. Inexpensive solar light styles abound and often require no wiring to cast that evening glow outside your door or pathway.

Make it noteworthy. There may be unexpected deliveries or visitors to your doorstep. Friends may send flowers or want to leave you a meal. Others may want to see you and know how they can help. You may be away or perhaps unable to talk at that moment. Leaving a notepad and pencil undercover by the door can facilitate logistics for you and others. It also provides another welcome form of communication other than phone or email.

Make your grand entrance with pride. Show them "your stuff ". Enjoy!

Room for Change: Sleep or Slumber?

2009-04-07T19:07:00.004-04:00

While traveling the walk of grief, the days and nights frequently meld into one.

At night it is hard to sleep, during the day it is hard to focus. A good night's sleep is at a premium. Allowing small changes to occur in your bedroom may help you to achieve the slumber that is paramount to your health. Refreshing your physical space can help to transition your sleep time to restorative slumber.

The bedroom, often have served as a full service care center for many days, may linger with memories that keep one from moving forward.

What changes can you make to your bedroom to keep you moving forward?

Take a look at your bed. Is it possible to place it in a different position within your bedroom? Can you put it on an angle? Can you change out the headboard to another one in your home? Could you imagine downsizing your bed from a King to a Queen? Maybe the mattress is ready for an upgrade. Remember your mattress is one of those items you use every day. Make certain it gives you the support you need for the rest you need. This may be the perfect time to sleep on something new.
Buy yourself a new set of sheets. You may want to switch to some flannel sheets to keep you warmer. You may consider a bright pattern or your favorite color on a new set. Try switching out the bedspread to a comforter. If you have lost weight and are feeling colder at night a down comforter cuddles and cradles you may be in order. A silly stuffed animal or your own pet may be another welcome addition to the bed.
Set the stage for sleep. A simple vase or glass jar with a single fresh flower and a battery operated candle next to your bed along with an inspirational book can be helpful to settle in. It is comforting to gaze at something beautiful and awake to the same
Let the light in. Heavy curtains do not let the light in. Maybe sheers could replace them. Seeing nature and light is powerful in healing your body and mind. A birdfeeder placed outside your window allows one to glimpse the simplest of pleasures and motion.
Follow the fragrance. Lavender essential oil in a diffuser , lavender scented candles or dried lavender bedside can sweetly assists slumber.
Put your worries down. Place a notepad and pencil bedside for those nightime inspirations or worries and cast them aside while you sleep.
Sweet Dreams! susan@revivalredesign.com

Room for Change:Reflections on the Bathroom Mirror

2009-04-06T20:37:00.001-04:00

Having experienced grief with the loss of my spouse at age 49 years old, I happened upon small changes that moved me forward. Not knowing what changes were worth the effort was exhausting, all I knew was that change was here . Pursuing redesign as a career, which involved relocation of objects, furniture and color consulting, helped me to change my outlook and find hope in change.

Each day we rise, often before the sun itself, and the first place we frequent is the bathroom. It is surely one of the most personal and private spaces in our home. We look at ourselves in the mirror, reflecting upon our physical image as well as our reflections for the upcoming day. If we have cared for our loved one at home, the bathroom may house remnants of caretaking along with many personal items of our loved one.

What changes might one do to brighten this room?

Remove the toiletries, medical supplies and/or assistive devices of your loved one.
Donate any unused medication to an organization such as "Doctors Without Borders" or a local hospice organization. Pharmacies will readily dispose of medication for you and it is safer for the environment than putting it down the drain .
Many churches or charities are grateful for donations of assistive devices and will come to collect them. If it is difficult for you to do, ask a friend. Friends are always looking for a "job" that is truly needed and appreciated.
Bandages, IV supplies, etc. placed into ziplock bags can also be dropped off to nursing homes, or community action organizations. It can be comforting to know someone else is going to benefit from your donation.
Place a small flower or plant by your sink and mirror. Seeing their growth and natural beauty is uplifting as you pass by or brush your teeth.
Add a new and comforting fragrance to your bathroom to pleasantly greet you.
A silly picture of you and your loved one taped to the mirror may help you find a smile and bring gratitude for all that was and is!
A new set of towels in your favorite color is a great morning greeting or splurge on a new soft luxurious towel. It need to be only one.
Last but not least, shine the mirror to see the beauty in you!

Promises

2009-04-03T02:39:00.002-04:00

There have been many promises I have made to myself and to others that I have not fulfilled.

It is with great regret that I often look back and criticize myself or try to make others the scapegoat of my unwillingness to fulfill those promises. The sadness lingers and self doubt abounds.

God's promise for us is that He will always be with us. HIs promise for a life of eternal beauty and forgiveness rests in His gift of His son in our lives. When we cannot believe in ourselves and blame each other for promises broken, it is comforting to remember how God in his goodness and forgiveness believes in us and receives us again and again when we fail and fall.

May we grant ourselves this comfort and be kind to ourselves and others. Promises made with love are the best we can do.

Love to you. S

Rhythm

2009-04-01T09:51:00.000-04:00

Rhythms are everywhere..

from the bass speakers of the young guy next to you in the jacked up car

to the dishwasher humming away in the kitchen,

from the fish tank gurgling in the corner of the room

to your own heartbeat when you are silent.

I become frazzled with an out of sync rhythm when I do not listen to my body for the balance in my life that creates such a comforting feeling and ease.

When you feel yourself pushing too hard forward, pause a minute, see where the rhythm takes you, and get into step again. It may place you in that sweet spot. Remind yourself that there is a push and a pull and it all makes up the rhythm. We need not stay out of step for long.

Blessings to you

Scraping Away...

2009-03-26T10:22:00.000-04:00

The last day of encaustic art class arrives.

What technique have I learned?
The process involves painting quickly with hot beewax pigmented and a tree resin added to help with the hardening. Many beautiful abstract paintings arise as so do textures that rise up almost unexpectably.

The most challenging is when one places the pigment down with intent, only to find out it is not pleasing or doing what you wanted it to do.
The next step is burnish it, scrap it away and see what presents itself.

If one looks at the technique, its metaphor in life prevails.

Intention
Application
Cleansing with Spirit
Accepting what Is

As you take time to play, whether art, dance, music or sports, feel no guilt of the time taken away from daily activites. You are polishing your canvas and building its surface and creating a masterpiece for others to see their own beauty in themselves.

Thank you for those whom teach!

Underfoot: Growth in Unexpected Places

2009-03-20T17:02:00.000-04:00

Often we are too busy looking ahead to see what is beneath our feet. We trample what is awaiting to sprout, whether new ideas or relationships or even the chance to feel an emotion that has been dormant and is awaiting its time of renewal.

It is the beginning of spring today and I am thankful for friends that listen, dogs that bark, tears that cleanse, hands that heal and words of wisdom that teach. One unknown solitary person answered the phone today and gifted me with inspiration and faith and excitement of new prospects in my life.

Look down, look up, look around. It is amazing what may sprout in unexpected places.