Room For Change: In Your Outlook

As you move through your loss or grief, the smallest of changes can be absorbed into your renewed self discovery. The increasing courage creates unique perspectives of life.

A fine line exists between the heavy grief and the renewed joy in living. It is like an erased pencil line that smudges, knowing something was there but it serves no purpose to the complete story now.

Often as grievers we herald the cause to help others in grief because we have been there. We understand. We gain to heal from helping others. There may also come a time, when talking about our grief experience or listening to others speak of theirs becomes a burden." Been there, Done that", echoes in your head. It is not that you are no longer compassionate. It signals a time in your own healing when the past is no longer raw and you are renewed with hope because you have experienced the rawness first hand and created a path through it.


Just as within the early days of loss, when we are told to do what feels right for us, during the later days of recovery and growth, you do not have to feel that you must help others with their loss. Look to how you are feeling. Look to what buoys you up. Look to what immediate joys around you can share with others. Simply being where you are now , in a peaceful place, may be the signal to those in grief of a renewed and joyful outcome on the horizon.

Delight that your story is not complete but that your erasures let you start other chapters.
Your story is unique and gets richer when you concentrate on its main character, you, and how to support yourself and not everyone around you. A beautiful ending will fall into place for everyone.

Room For Change:Redefining Your Definition

As healing in your loss widens in your journey, it can be untraceable. It does not feel better yet one day, you catch yourself smiling to the lyrics of a song, or softly and deeply breathing with the sun on your back as you sit in a park.

What you have become you may be still unaware of and still unaware of what you can become.

Grief and loss open the unexpected box of redefining your definition of you. What defines you this days? Are you speaking to others of what you do not have anymore or of what you are? Are you speaking of dreams that appear too large to swallow and assimilate in your life today?

Imagine the you without the loss. Imagine the you in full view of the world with your bruised ego, broken heart and retooled dreams. Imagine the little step you can make today to redefine what you define yourself to be.

" I was ______ and I now am ________."

Feel in the blanks with your own definition. Not the one that you left behind but the one you are building upon. Like the house with its 2x6 framing, you can decide where the windows will go ( what you want your vision to be) and where to locate the door( how you will enter this newly constructed life).


Change can be daunting, yet change can bring to the surface more solid footing for a productive and satisfied life . Like the framers of a new or remodeled home say, " Measure twice, cut once." Measure what you want within your walls at this juncture of loss and find a way to slip it within your redefinition of you.

Redefining yourself requires room for change. The room may provide unexpected treasures for you. Pick up your Stanley 25 foot Powerlock II tapemeasure and cut out what works for you this day.

Musical Circle:Wonders and Worries

This poem is dedicated to Linda and Sleepy

Movement fills the air
moving of music
of legs of heart
energy circling
friends dearest friends moving
on-love surrendering
yet expanding, love in
death, love in life
What fine lines define it?

Aches in life, aches in
death.
Yet in all your underlaying
love for us. Bring it forth
in the darkest days
that the sliver of light expand
and touch those in need.
Cast upon us your light for their sake

Needing each other, being with each other, guiding
each other and supporting each other.
Let's ask, Let's love, Let's be.

Room for Change: Icing on the Cake

Grief may slow us down in our present path or swerve us along unknown terrain, yet with every perceived "loss" there can be a "gain". Loss of job, friendship, partner or health may also change our daily habits, creating a sense of emptiness or void.

What can fill this void? Think of a two layer cake. Mine would be decadent chocolate. My perceived loss my spouse , my daughters leaving and my dog dying. On top of that my role as partner, mother and dog tender was gone.

The base layer of my cake, me. The upper level, my family. In between the frosting or glue that made it so sweet and held us together.
What else can be added?

Your foundation is firm, you have not lost anything but now have another chance to build.

Take this foundation. Add a little more spatula full of thick icing. It does not have to match the flavor of the cake. It can be a different flavor and consistency. What is wonderful is that you have another chance to decide how it will taste. Take the time to frost it with experiences that are supportive to you. Others will come along to sprinkle experiences on top.

Remembering that your layers of experience, love and insights are not lost in grief, they can create a sweeter and grander masterpiece because of your foundation. Maybe a three layer cake is in order.

What flavor will your icing be? Life can become sweeter with each layer of loss.

Room for Change: Addition and Subtraction Equals Growth

How is it that one feels so stuck in grief? Is it the fact that so much has shaken up our world? Is it that because we put too many expectations on ourselves to accomplish what our role has been to us and the one lost? Is it maybe that others expect us to "move on" more quickly than we can ever envision.

First Step. Breathe. Let the air and day enter you and then simply let in go.. The exhale is rest, the inhale is nourishment for you. Our bodies during grief can become tense along with our minds. Let a deep breath allow a simple and occassional release.

Second Step. Add something new to your day. Maybe it could be reading a daily devotion or affirmation before you hit the computer to see if anyone has emailed you or before you look at that "to do" list that awaits your daily routine.

Third Step. Take away something from that list that you feel you must do today. Let the priorities rise and fall. Maybe today you take a nap with an old blanket and have your dog join you. Maybe today you buy yourself a new pair of shoes and throw away the sneakers you have been saving for when you do the dirty yard work.

Fourth Step. Add something physically new to your home. This could be a basket to contain all the incoming bills and paperwork that has become such a chore to you or even a new door mat as you enter the house. It could be a new essential oil fragrance added to your car.

Fifth Step. Take away or put away items on your counters, dresser or front closet that are not used daily. See space and opportunites, Shed just a little clutter.

Sixth Step. Add sparkle and shine. This could be as simple as removing the tarnish from an old silver hairbrush that belonged to your grandmother or cleaning the sliding door glass. It might be adding a crystal to the window where the morning sun creeps in. Adorning yourself with something bright like beads or a bracelet can lighten your day and add that sparkle that may be hidden deep inside during grief.


Grief can be like hopscotch . A toss, a miss, a step , an off balance stumble, going and returning, avoiding and landing. Remember that returning home, returning to the uniqueness and beauty in yourself are the steps that will support you in grief. There are friends around to cheer you on in quiet ways. Keep moving, adding and substrating to your days.

Room for Yourself: Creating Traditions in Grief

Reflecting upon the traditions that may have pooled together in your childhood , how many have remained?

If you have melded families together then traditions have probably been remixed and sprinkled with others as children grow, as "artifacts" of past holidays are passed to the younger generation. Tradition may be what is celebrated, how it is celebrated and where it is celebrated is just as important.
Traditions may be not where you go, but what you prepare for food or make or what items you place seasonally in a place of recognition for significant remembrance or ritual.
Some families may not celebrate wedding anniversaries, some may always gather together for them. Some families may each and every year go to the Nutcracker to kick off the Christmas season even though not one of them can dance!

Grief in itself, can mark such a time , such a rememberance, counting the days or months from the event that changed our lives. It can resemble the young mother whom says her infant is 12 weeks old or envision its arrival as 3 months. Marking our grief may also begin a tradition for some. Is it a tradition that uplifts you or that holds you down? Looking at our progress rather than our past can prove empowering. Do you mark each day, each month with gray laden notches on a stick or place that stick, that you thought was dead into crystal clear water and watch the small thread like roots reach downward in the translucent vase and small sprouts of green rise upward. Your growth is always possible, each day, each moment. In grief, recognizing the growth in ourselves may seem impossible. Finding a way to celebrate our progress, creating a new tradition for ourselves can be fulfilling and as fun as the young child looking forward to the stockings being hung by the chimney with care.

What can you envision as a "reward" or festive tradition on this grief journey for you? A few suggestions follow that may buoy you up or add to ways you support yourself.

Get pampered. A manicure, pedicure, massage or a wonderful close shave and facial for the guys. TLC never hurt anyone

Go to a hotel. Rent a movie, get room service and buy yourself a new silk robe.

Picnic Hamper. Have a local deli create a surprise picnic for you. Let them know what kinds of things you like. Grab a old sheet or tablecloth and book, invite a young child to be your guest. Remember the bubbles .

Scent and Sentiment. Find a new small votive candle you enjoy and accompany it with a short poem or affirmation. Place them into a beautiful box or silky bag. Each month hunt for another candle or phrase to place in the container of your choice. This monthly scavenger hunt is fun. On your celebration day, you may again delight in your discovery. If you are like me, I often forget what I have bought!

Reach outward. There are many organizations where you can celebrate your progress by a monetary donation and help others progress as well in their dreams and independence. Two of my favorites are Heifer Project and Kiva. With your donations to The Heifer Project you can purchase baby chicks, goats, sheep and other livestock. The individual receiving such a animal agrees to nurture and raise more animals to donate to others. The circle widens in sharing and growth. The other organization called Kiva, allows you to select the individual or individuals you wish to support with a loan. Others will often join you to support such a loan. The individual receiving the loan has a certain time table in which to repay you. As you are repaid, you can elect to receive the money back or to reinvest it with someone else of your selection. It has been a rewarding experience for me.

Take away and add on. If a family tradition is daunting for you consider taking part of it away and adding on with something else. It may be that you do not "hold" New Year's Day dinner this year and celebrate at a restaurant. Maybe the giant Christmas tree is replaced with a minature one this year and you shop for new ornaments for it . Maybe this is the Easter that you go on the cruise you have dreamed about, with your choice to be involved in multiple activities or to be on deck with a book and blanket.

Expect the unexpected but expect that you deserve to celebrate your journey marker in grief in style and comfort. Forget about "surviving the holidays" and "surf the holidays" riding high on the waves of your journey!

On The Bolt, Fabric of Life

Fabric wrapped on the bolt
Exposing only part of the pattern or dream
An edge of finish and tightness
An edge of salvage, they say, from what?

A thread is sprouting from the salvage
It is frayed it is free

What to do?
Cut it off. Roll it over and seam it down or
Grasp another fine golden thread and silver needle

The thread, hanging from the needle, awakens me
I cannot proceed without glasses, my true vision of what
is really happening at this moment

I darn, I create in this moment
Not covering up what has sprung from the fabric
but weaving it with more beauty in this moment.

Unrolling the bolt we see the same patterns
Repeated over and over
Yet with our glasses, our purer vision, we see small perceived imperfections
to weave into another more delicate, more unique and intricate patterns.