Room For Change: Unexpected Delivery

Within loss and grief, order and control tend to rise to the top of priorities. Everything is spinning out of control and most things that were familiar are no longer.

It is easier to imagine the future with its neatly tied bow and the pain dispersed back where it needs to be, that is NOT in us.
We create expectations for others to soothe us, we create expectations of a looming doomed existence and we create expectations of ourselves to be strong to overcome this situation.

Yet the real victories come when an expected gift arrives at your doorstep, like a baby bird chirping in your nearby tree.
The real victories come when you enter a room as yourself without the thoughts of "what are they going to think?"
The real victories come in the expected talents that you did not perceive within yourself. Those dormant and unexpected talents often rise to the surface during grief. Why? Maybe they surface because our skin is so transparent and our core exposed. It may not feel good, but unexpected personal gifts can arise.

Surprise! I do not like to write. I have never liked to write, yet it seems as if it keeps coming to the surface. Another surprise!

My first book is in its prelaunch, Room for Change: Practical Ideas for Reviving After Loss. It will be delivered to Amazon.com within a month. Yes, an unexpected delivery, in an expected form. I would rather physically do for others than write, but in my widowhood I have found that doing for yourself is what supports you through grief.

The book will be an expected delivery for others in grief and I know it will provide practical and non threatening ways to make the support they need their own. Of course there is fun in the book and unexpected treasures for grievers to find.

My son-in-law is a professional bagpiper and is present at many celebrations, be they parades or weddings or funerals. Yes, funerals are a celebration of gifts on the horizon. Or as he says as he heads out the door to a funeral, he is there to put the FUN back in FUNeral.

Look for the unexpected deliveries as fun and not futile. Await the unexpected gifts arising in you. They are there!

Write and tell me about them!

Blessings undercover abound!

Room For Change: The Momentum and Reflection

As we, the griever, create for ourselves, new habits and new senses to the changes around us, momentum pulls us forward.
There becomes a time of excitement when the hurt of the loss appears to close and the wound now feels like a scar.
We are encouraged by our own creativity and endeavors and others rally around us. It is like a victory lap on all accounts.


We awaken another day, as grief appears to have shifted from the low drone of the second gear to almost third gear and wonder how we got here and now what? The crowd of encouragers have been swept back into their lives and we are but a memory. They are relieved in our movement forward and through change. We sit. We are stuck again. We feel that overwhelming grief of shifting one more gear and hear the grinding as the old feeling of hopelessness vibrates in our bodies. Not again we whisper.

Remember in this time of growth and change to reflect on how far you have come through your loss. Write down all the things you have done since your loss that you never did before. They need not be things you wanted to do, but you did them.
Look at the list. Reflect on the courage and energy it took to move forward and then slowly shift one more gear. This may be the week for you to simply reflect and rest. Renewal is not always motion. Renewal can be pause and a deep encumbered breath.

Take time on your grief journey to feel the shift and to make time to do the things that support you. It could a new flavor of tea and three magazines today or a detailing of your car on your premises.

A crowd awaits your victory lap but remember to celebrate each lap you take yourself and reflect upon your accomplishments.

Room For Change: In You and In San Diego

Camp Widow in August in San Diego. You must look into it for yourself or for other widows ( and widowers). It need not matter if your loss is recent or several years ago, time and gender are neutral. This group of individuals know how to listen, encourage, lament and just be with other people on a similar journey.

Take a look at their website and the workshops they will be offering, the activities that will be available and the facility that will be hosting it. There is still time to sign up and the staff is hoping to have all states ( in the U.S.) represented as well as international representatives.

Looking ahead with anticipation of sharing and caring with like minded folks. Consider Camp Widow for an excursion this summer. No sleeping bags or notes from mom required!

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

www.sslf.org

Redesign as a Grief Recovery Tool

New blog on Pallimed discusses how art and creative outlets help one move through grief and explore new terrain in a secure and supporting manner.

The link follows and I will follow up with another few words about this concept next week in less lyrical terms.

Thanks to all who have encouraged me in this endeavor. I know this process works and it keeps on working!

Blessings. Susan



http://arts.pallimed.org/

Room For Change: The Pancake Flip

A previous Room For Change blog spoke of grief and loss with respect to a crayon and deciding the color you might be if you were one. I suggested blue for me, with " not so blue" as my color, as brighter moments now collide with my darker days of grief.


In grief, as we "recover" and challenge ourselves with new adventures our energy can wane. We wonder if depression is our companion or are we simply physically and mentally worn out. We have felt that tinge of relief, of peace or gain and lunge after more. It is intoxicating to feel some relief.

Challenging yourself is great but renewel of simply rest, filling your bucket again and crediting yourself with each day's completion is "recovering" too. Recovering from the unknown terrain you have been traversing.

As my appetite for living fully again increases so has my appetite for food. Last week I imagined again myself as a pancake, on a hot skillet. Staying too long in one place, you can burn and trying nothing new leaves you unbaked and not at your true potential. Know when to flip your pancake. View what is cooking inside of you and turn it over from time to time. Then sweeten your progress with REAL maple syrup. Yum!

Room For Change: In Your Outlook

As you move through your loss or grief, the smallest of changes can be absorbed into your renewed self discovery. The increasing courage creates unique perspectives of life.

A fine line exists between the heavy grief and the renewed joy in living. It is like an erased pencil line that smudges, knowing something was there but it serves no purpose to the complete story now.

Often as grievers we herald the cause to help others in grief because we have been there. We understand. We gain to heal from helping others. There may also come a time, when talking about our grief experience or listening to others speak of theirs becomes a burden." Been there, Done that", echoes in your head. It is not that you are no longer compassionate. It signals a time in your own healing when the past is no longer raw and you are renewed with hope because you have experienced the rawness first hand and created a path through it.


Just as within the early days of loss, when we are told to do what feels right for us, during the later days of recovery and growth, you do not have to feel that you must help others with their loss. Look to how you are feeling. Look to what buoys you up. Look to what immediate joys around you can share with others. Simply being where you are now , in a peaceful place, may be the signal to those in grief of a renewed and joyful outcome on the horizon.

Delight that your story is not complete but that your erasures let you start other chapters.
Your story is unique and gets richer when you concentrate on its main character, you, and how to support yourself and not everyone around you. A beautiful ending will fall into place for everyone.

Room For Change:Redefining Your Definition

As healing in your loss widens in your journey, it can be untraceable. It does not feel better yet one day, you catch yourself smiling to the lyrics of a song, or softly and deeply breathing with the sun on your back as you sit in a park.

What you have become you may be still unaware of and still unaware of what you can become.

Grief and loss open the unexpected box of redefining your definition of you. What defines you this days? Are you speaking to others of what you do not have anymore or of what you are? Are you speaking of dreams that appear too large to swallow and assimilate in your life today?

Imagine the you without the loss. Imagine the you in full view of the world with your bruised ego, broken heart and retooled dreams. Imagine the little step you can make today to redefine what you define yourself to be.

" I was ______ and I now am ________."

Feel in the blanks with your own definition. Not the one that you left behind but the one you are building upon. Like the house with its 2x6 framing, you can decide where the windows will go ( what you want your vision to be) and where to locate the door( how you will enter this newly constructed life).


Change can be daunting, yet change can bring to the surface more solid footing for a productive and satisfied life . Like the framers of a new or remodeled home say, " Measure twice, cut once." Measure what you want within your walls at this juncture of loss and find a way to slip it within your redefinition of you.

Redefining yourself requires room for change. The room may provide unexpected treasures for you. Pick up your Stanley 25 foot Powerlock II tapemeasure and cut out what works for you this day.