Room For Change: Open Your Home, Open Your Heart

OPEN YOUR HEART

Within a few months of my husband's death I was sitting in counseling, reviewing my life, rethinking my future and rebelling in the future prospects.

My counselor suggested that my social circle would no longer be "corporate" entertaining nor logistics with teenage daughters and their networking.  What then?   She commented that my circle would be women.   I cried, I cursed, I cringed.   Hadn't the rug already been pulled out from under me and now another own shoved underneath without the welcome mat?

She was right.  I was willing to try.

A friend  of mine was turning 50 years old.  She , like myself, had friends that had never met each other.   Friends that were gardeners.  Friends that were dog people and animal recusers. Friends that shared in her jewerly making  and church friends.   

I invited them all for a "sleep over" as I lived deep in the woods at that time.   My friend, Judy, was the common bond.  We had heard about each other but seldom crossed each other paths except by Judy's stories.   We shared a meal, shared stories, shared some dancing and laughing.  We shared our lives and slept under the same roof that night.  The next morning another woman joined us for breakfast and the circle widened.

A tradition was started that evening as well.  I had a fireplace surfaced with river rocks.  I had written in chalk on the rocks, " Happy Birthday, Judy!"  Others suggested what else could be written up there and the  

tradition bloomed.   Whenever someone spent the night , they were honored with a piece of chalk to write what they wanted on the river rocks and it stayed for others to enjoy and ponder.   

The quotes spread on the wall and everyone who spent the night, left a bit of themselves behind with me.

So my counselor was right.  My social networking started with a birthday party for a good friend and ended by making more great friends.   

In loss there is always a gain.   In darkness light filters through.  In your opening your home to others your heart gets a chance to open again, even if in a small way.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you willing to open your heart and home again and again.

Blessings.  Susan

Room For Change: Revamping Your Location In Thought

Here I go again.  I have been living in Austin for over a year with the inner thought of looking for another place after two years in Austin.  That thought spoken aloud to a friend spawned  him to mention that he might have someone interested in buying my home if it was for sale.   I was not really thinking of selling it now, but told him to let the couple take a look at it.  They loved it.  They are purchasing it.

My thought changed to reality within 3 days.  On my birthday a contract came in and now my head is swimming in change again, so soon?  The feelings of regret surfaced.  The feelings of sorrow of leaving new friends and connections surfaced.  The feelings of loss floated the surface and yet had I not initiated the tiny thought?   Here we go again but this time I will document in black and white my emotional thoughts and then look at what this change truly brings to the surface this time around for me.

If you have read my book, Room For Change: Practical Ideas for Reviving After Loss,  you may already know that I have moved at least 12 times, built about 10 homes in other phases of my life.  This phase, I guess I could call... Changing and Aging with Haste and Grace and  as I preach, there is always Room For Change.


Step One:  Panic

Step Two:  List Making ( of repairs, of sorting, or telling others of your departure and paperwork)

Step Three: Checking off the List.   ( Ahhhh! so sweet)

Step Four: Opening the Door for Opportunities on the Other Side

 If the list is tweaked a bit, isn't this what we do when we know our time is at hand? Don't we try to clear the clutter, tie the knots and look to the other side of what will be?

So over the next few weeks I will blog about my process in packing , purging and plundering this process.   It has been 6 years since my husband's death and the third time I am moving.  What I have moved from and what have I moved towards is difficult to delineate.  I do know that fewer items accompany me this time around and the yards are getting smaller and smaller.  The kitchen pantry holds fewer items but the tools and clothes seem to swell in the closets and storage.

I am working on Step Two this week and repairs have started. I am down to a  repair needed on a faulty lock of a window and then the sorting of items blog will evolve.  I don't know how I will feel this time around, but I do know that I feel so very much more than I did when my husband died.  My lows might be low but I recover sooner and my highs are definitely higher.  The most grace comes my meeting new, interesting and very different people within the last few years to add to my collection of friends.

Stay tuned for the Sorting Saga.  May your New Year be Full with Thoughts come True.  

Blessings.. Susan

Room For Change: Reviving Your Holidays

As a widow , I continually try to be positive in the changes and growth that have emerged in my widowhood.   Attending bereavement sessions around the holidays, I hear and see the word, "surviving".

Surviving to me connotes, a time of languish, a sacrifice and an insurmountable endurance.  Most of us experiencing loss have felt fleeting moments of such, but then again we may find a single bright moment that leads the way to hope and renewal and even revival on this grief journey.

Holidays not only suggest shopping as with birthdays, Hanukkah and Christmas, but also include decorating, baking and traditional activities.  Weaving new into old and old into new is what our life journey entails.  How can you weave yours with what treasured memories and traditions speak to you and your loved ones?

Shopping:  Keep it simple.  Maybe this is a year that you exchange gift certificates only and plan a family trip or excursion after the holiday.   Maybe this is a time when you ask others to do the shopping for you.  Be kind to yourself.  Relish holidays as a time of energy conservation and renewal rather than the have to's of past years.

Gifting of memories:  I am not the best seamstress but I have friends that are talented in that arena.  They could create a small quilt, a Christmas tree skirt, a table runner or even holiday place mats from your loved ones old clothes.  It is a way of purposeful renewal and memory. Men's ties can be especially beautiful in a tree skirt as their shape flares out.  Mom's old costume jewelry can be hot glued to inexpensive picture frames for gifts to family members and even used to adorn a Styrofoam ball and hung with a ribbon from the tree.  Memories will remain.  Using items gives them renewal and a sense of moving forward with honor.

Barter:  This word may appear harsh but often in grief we know what we have in the way of items and "stuff" but don't know how to relinquish and to whom.  Think about trading or bartering your  extra tools for " x number " of handyman hours.  Think about trading your lawnmower for lawn care for a year or your snow plow for plowing.  Relinquishing an item does not mean it cannot come back into your space, but it can allow space for other things to come in and other activities that may be burdensome to you now.  Remember holidays are about giving and giving to yourself is just as important as giving to others.

Decorating:  This may be a year when the tree gets a little smaller or all the decorations are not put up.  This may be a year when you ask a friend to adorn a wreath for you and you go on a citywide light walk instead of putting your lights up.  This may be a year, when you are not the " hostess with the mostess" and visit someone else or even go on a cruise.  My first year of widowhood I picked out a fresh palette of inexpensive ornaments for my tree.  My first year of widowhood I did not bake and decorate the gingerbread houses, my daughter did.  My first year of widowhood I did not stay home.  Did it help?  I do not remember, but it did help me realize that everything did not have to be the same way in order to cushion the void I was experiencing.

Aromas and Baking: The holiday season conjures up sights and sounds and smells.   What speaks to you?  What smells remind you of great childhood memories?  What supports you?  If you love the smell of evergreens, buy yourself a beautiful soy candle or bring in some pine cones seasoned with cinnamon and nutmeg.  My grandmother's recipe for poppy seed strudel was a tradition and my favorite.  My father, now deceased and I loved it.  Grandma has also passed away but her recipe and her handwriting of the recipe linger.  Have a friend , who wants to do something special for you, make a favorite recipe.  Not only will you be nurtured with  food but also memories.  Putting spices into a crock pot to simmer, can create another avenue of creating memories.  Add what spices or fruit that appeals to you now.

Holiday Cards: If someone sent me a card, I felt guilty that I did not send them one.  I was too exhausted and "low" to respond during my first years of widowhood. I did respond in another way.  The cards piled up during the holidays.  Beginning January 1st, I pulled one from the basket each day and said a prayer for that family and gratitude for their outreach. In grief, in life, it all takes time.  Give yourself time to allow for your unique gifts to unfold. (  I have even thought about sending Valentine cards instead, but never have done it.  Let me know if that fits the bill for you!)

Outreach to Others:  I found that giving to strangers during the holidays, sparked a gratitude that was hard to access in my loss.  I envisioned the foster sisters that would open the gifts I sent. Receiving a photo and thank you note a month later I was not far off!  I remembered the Christmas I received my Polly Play Pal doll , when everyone told me the large gift was an ironing board for my mom and hoped that the burlap bag with my untidy red yarn embroidery would keep them in wonderment for a while. I remembered the first warm reversible ski jacket I got as a gift and even remember the pattern and hoped that what I picked out for the Angel Tree family would be as warming and fun.

Reviving your holidays, bringing a little something new to the old, is what makes other beautiful traditions awaken.  Remembering yourself, by placing yourself in a place of support is all that is required. Remember the magic and weave a small bit of change into your celebrations.

Room For Change: " Waiting" or "Wanting to Get Out" Rooms

Perhaps it is cloudy or dreary days that brings out a critical perspective that lays dormant for some command performance. Today waiting rooms crawl to the surface of this damp and inclement weather.

Waiting Rooms.   Just the sound of "Wait" conjures up the sense of not moving forward.  "Wait" is  a loss of momentum.   So what benefits  can waiting rooms fulfill for those in health care and other industry services?   Are they simply " Wanting to Get Out" Rooms instead?

Waiting rooms, are like your front door, as they speak of your nature and your mindset of the day.
Waiting rooms, are like a incubator, for mental attitude to swell or mind lists to be congealed.
Waiting rooms , are like a hand written invitation, to an upcoming event and the expectations associated with it.


Do waiting rooms fulfill your needs? Are your service providers doing you a service in their waiting rooms?  How are you intuitively reacting to the setting.

After numerous medical waiting rooms attended by myself and my husband in his care during his terminal illness I became a big critic of waiting rooms without realizing it.  My impatience in the medical process and time I felt was wasted before and after our actual appointments lead me dreading another appointment date in most facilities or offices.

Roswell Park Cancer Institute was the first one to "speak" to me of compassion and comfort while retaining a business and service attitude of efficiency and individualization.  Their waiting rooms fulfilled my needs.

What does the physical "room" exhibit?

Not only is visual pleasure comforting for the patient/client but for the staff.  It sets the stage for what is to come.  Physical elements can include seating, lighting, privacy elements, accessibility to water or beverages, aromas, cleanliness and reading material.  Physical also includes how the flow of clients in and out proceeds and how those "waiting" are  integrated within  the process.  Physical can include how your voice or those of the staff travels within these walls and what adorns the walls if anything.

My pet peeves include:

Dirty upholstery or seating surfaces
Lack of lighting or sources of lighting
Outdated reading material and neglected
Uncomfortable seating or limited seating
Lack of privacy of conversation with staff
Dust laden silk or artificial plants
Left over furniture and accessories from other spaces flung together
Faded pictures or photos adorning the walls
Overstuffed literature for client left unattended and in disarray
Inadequate variety of seating to accommodate different physical abilities

These ten are a fraction of what others may find discomforting within such a space.

Suggestions to consider within such a space could include:

Rocking chairs
Fish tanks
Wall mounted water fountains
Current reading material
Nature DVD and photos
Good and varied lighting as well as natural lighting
Clean surfaces
Beverage station with neat disposal setup
Variety of seating options, i.e. armless and with arms, soft and firm
Variety in shapes and size of seating or side tables.
Availability of blankets for comfort and temperature control
Private screening area as needed for confidential conversation or scheduling
Lack of intense aroma ( neither medicinal nor strong artificial)
Mobiles

Yesterday I visited a new dentist and his office.   Not only did I do a mental checklist of what was pleasing to me, but overviewed what others might find comforting, pleasing and mind setting for their upcoming appointment.

The office included:

Efficient directions to the location and well marked door
Well appointed beverage station and welcoming staff upon entry
Several seating options around large round coffee table laden with current magazines
Chairs that swiveled to adjust client's perspective and comfort
Overhead lighting and ambient lighting
Wall mounted water fountain with backlight
Advertising material on adjacent table for inquiry, not on every surface
Separate area for interviewing new patient
Blankets available during session
Staff conversation at low level
Clean surfaces
Earthy color scheme

Waiting rooms set the stage for what is about to happen and how you, as a client ,will be serviced . More important it initiates the mindset you will bring into the interaction with the provider. Why not maximize all areas ?

Room for change , even in waiting rooms , is possible.  Yesterday, the wait was a pampering time out before my new association was made.  I left , not dreading my possible return, and if I arrived early to my next appointment, the wait.

Room For Change: Wallflower Potential In Loss and Grief

Who knows where inspiration comes from?  Who even knows when it is present.  Riding on the train of trust and basic truths we forge our way. We find someone else's inspiration and dabble of bit of our own into it.  We grasp a bit of their truth and manage to find our own.                                                                                               The image above was created from someone's photograph of an old room, worn and torn up from experiences created and then left to be silenced.  The wallpaper was pulling away from the wall in layers, revealing fresh portraits of paper and then adjacent to them were faded ones hanging on a wispy papery thread.  I saw the beauty in it and its evolution.

What next?  I pulled out for myself  random selections of the image and voila, a new image or inspiration came forward that I can work with.  Add color, maybe. Crop more, perhaps. Simply leave alone, an option as well.

In loss, in grief when all rises to the surface and yet all feelings that are covered up feel vulnerable, look to the potential inside.  Nothing is lost in what you have been. Nothing is needed in what you are right now. Your potential is right now with all images in place.   Dare to dance with what is inside you.  It's there.  Wallflowers are bouquets awaiting discovery.  

Room For Change: Independent or Dependent Retirement Communities?

My world was opened wider this week as I had the priviledge of speaking to    several gatherings of seniors within their community space in their retirement facility.  A few inquiring residents also lead me, after the session, to see their efficiency rooms and offer some consult or advise. It was an honor to be invited.

Design for me is letting the personal touch speak and leaving space open for future objects, ideas and activities to casually find their way into that existing space.

Three of the communities gleamed or highlighted at least one design element of importance to me. Not all of them felt like “ home” to me. We,as a society, are evolving in our concept of home and I hope the residences of our seniors are on the top of the list!

     One community I visited had a very open eating area, mail center and activity center.  Anyone walking into the facility was enveloped in some kind of activity center. Coffee and tea was laid out with colorful flowers surrounding it and antiques of different genres donned the walls and display shelving.   A fireplace created a reading nook within the eating space. The same space was used 3 times per day for resident meals. Physically it felt that forward movement was being made.  Staff was seen in the periphery, in their offices, almost like a second thought with no formal area of reception for residents or guests.

 The second community’s walls were hung with framed  prints of the 1970’s era with washed out blue and pink ghost- like images.  The old wicker furniture with thin calico fabric seating welcomed you into the residence facility which also had sterile hard surfaces of brass, glass and a “retro” Florida feel. Although the facility was overused, outdated and worn out in its appearance , the residents seated in the entry were engaging with one another and guests as they entered. A mid morning snack was being served up  by the manager and other residents were busy searching on a property , participating in scavenger hunt. In the adjacent room several women were playing dominos and others reading the paper.  The activity director was moving about and  volleying the questions about the hunt and the prizes.   As I say in my book, “ All motion is good motion” and this is what was felt.  The community spirit was moving and provided opportunities for additional personal movement and choices.  The once drab environment I had placed myself into was now alive with the energy and interaction of others.  I felt a part of their shared circle.

    A third community carried me in with anticipation of at a personal valet arriving any minute to carry my suitcase onward and then off to prepare me a table for tea. Washed with light  from the roof to floors below and the furnishings were well proportioned to the space and new.  The colors were vivid. Ambient lighting and textural elements lent a very soothing and fresh feeling. The atrium was being actively used for exercise class and yoga followed in another space within a half hour. The residents seemed more reserved with less personal interaction, but they were spread out in a larger facility compared to the second one that I visited. Most of the activities were taking place in gathering rooms located on the second level.  Residents’ rooms required that they take a short walk under a covered outside promenade to reach their them, allowing a short connection with the outdoors as they went to meals or activities.

Comparing the three, where would I l choose to live?  Where would I like to see members of my family engaged and needs tended to?

Number One: Was open and created space for activity

Number Two: Was very dated and worn from daily use  but was lively as the residents were lively and interactive

Number Three: Was open, light and new. Color and nature abounded.

The elements I would consider besides the ones I listed above are the following :

Staff awareness of guests and residents. Highly interactive communication skills.

Floor plan that allows for multiple purpose space use, with areas that can be changed out easily for purpose and activity.

Nesting areas within community space for individuals to seek a private space outside their own room.  This can encompass outside seating or viewing areas.

Light, both natural and artificial and  textural interest and color

Clean setting

 Furnishings that are comfortable and easily cleaned

Nature, including trees, flowers, gardens and water feature... patio or outside space for everyone.

 Allowance of personalization in private rooms. Color choice for rooms especially walls. Many facilities will not permit the residents to paint.  Why not have facility staff be required to do it as an additional fee? Paint is the easiest to redo and least expensive. ( Think of the cost these residents pay each month for their units to the cost of paint and labor with move in and move out.)

Other suggestions I could envision:

Built in shelving units or recessed. There would be no need to have shelving into the rooms and chance of bookcases or shelving toppling over..  It would provide for more floor space for mobility.   Adjustable shelving for TV unit could be included in such a unit as well as recessed desk area for computer or other needs.

Option on some eating arrangements. Possibly breakfast basket delivered to room 2 days per week. Somewhat like a B and B, so that residents did not have to get dressed every morning to go down to eat. ( The rules of do’s and don’ts can become rattling for some with  the sense of losing most independent choices.)

So if I could NOT change anything ( and you know I would not be able to stop myself from moving things around or cleaning it up!!! ) I would place myself within the second community , where people interacted and were individually recognized,where staff was part of the daily flow and not behind the scenes and unseen.

Next I would form a committee from the resident pool to assist in updating their community.  They could donate furniture or artwork.  They could help clean. They could participate in tending to a community garden.  When I asked the first community of residents, what was the hardest part of moving into a independent retirement community, one woman stated that is was being bored.She continued by saying that everything is done for them so there is nothing to do on a daily basis.   Why not have help setting tables? or creating some fresh flower arrangements?  If I see any more dusty silk plants and flowers in these facilities I will do something drastic! Why not have a thrift store of household items that the residents donate and service with funding going to facility improvements, guest speakers or other activities.

Yes, there are ways to make our seasoned change to retirement communities easier and more fulfilling.  Think about how you would like to live when you become a part of this population.

When you visit such a community offer suggestions in writing or ask if they have considered options that you would find helpful for yourself or others.

With the senior population on the rise, now is time to offer some change in perspective within these communities.  Step inside and see what you would like to create your senior home , a haven.

Help your friends and family address these often neglected and hidden thoughts about senior adult living.  There is room for change in all things and senior housing is a great place to make an impact.   

Which community described would you choose if the choice awaited you?

Room for Change: Resting on Your Laurels in Grief

 

So where do all those timeless sayings come from?  My grandmother’s was.”It all comes out in the wash” and other colorful ones that may be inappropriate  or too graphic to put into black and white in this blog.  Without saying something directly, these sayings created picture perfect references within the mind.

My creative mind loves pictures and “resting on your laurels” came to me today as a busy weekend, not filled with rest, fell to the wayside and a new week begins. The “to do’ list emerged and before the pencil hit the paper, I paused.  Had I not accomplished enough over the weekend? Might this Monday be a Monday of no momentum but rather that of magical moments of rest.

Another saying that surfaced was : All work and no play, makes Johnny a dull boy”  What?  What do either of these have to do with grief, which seemed to be on my mind again?

I had just spent the weekend with 150 widows, some seasoned in their widow walk and others just taking their first steps.  They were enthusiastic to hear creative and inspirational stories about others’ journeys, but most felt their own laborious and lumbering.

During grief, because there is so much unchartered territory to traverse  and new responsibilities to handle, one is often overcome with depression, fatigue, lack of sleep and lack of focus.  It can seem like every waking minute is spent doing and the learning new tasks. The energy required to  evolve into new roles is never ending.

I can remember crying about a potential stain on my kitchen counter, shortly after my spouse died, as it was just one more thing I felt I had to tackle immediately. I was at a breaking point and felt I had lost control of any normalcy.

Place PLAY in your new normalcy.  Place PAMPER in your new normalcy. Place PAUSE in your new normalcy.

Suggestions for placing the above in your new life might include

• Swinging in the park or on a  front porch swing

• Blowing bubbles and observing the breeze in action and the rainbow of colors      

               unfolding before your eyes

• Packing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Oreos and going on a picnic

• Flying a kite with a child or another adult friend( that way someone else can chase   

               after it.)

• Taking a bubble bath with a new fragrance 

• Getting a manicure or massage

• Perusing magazines at the library, then a subscription for yourself

• Taking an afternoon nap on the sofa or hammock with no phone available

• Getting a carryout dinner delivered to you and asking a friend to join.Have them bring the dessert!

PLAY, PAMPER AND PAUSE,  your new found friends in your new normalcy,will help to balance and bring  energy and insight into new tasks.Building your new life, requires rest from the sometimes overwhelming unimaginable tasks.  Oh, yes, I almost forgot,” Rome was not built in one day”! You too are an architect of a lasting and beautiful life.  Go get that toga and partake of some pleasures today!