Room for Yourself: Creating Traditions in Grief

Reflecting upon the traditions that may have pooled together in your childhood , how many have remained?

If you have melded families together then traditions have probably been remixed and sprinkled with others as children grow, as "artifacts" of past holidays are passed to the younger generation. Tradition may be what is celebrated, how it is celebrated and where it is celebrated is just as important.
Traditions may be not where you go, but what you prepare for food or make or what items you place seasonally in a place of recognition for significant remembrance or ritual.
Some families may not celebrate wedding anniversaries, some may always gather together for them. Some families may each and every year go to the Nutcracker to kick off the Christmas season even though not one of them can dance!

Grief in itself, can mark such a time , such a rememberance, counting the days or months from the event that changed our lives. It can resemble the young mother whom says her infant is 12 weeks old or envision its arrival as 3 months. Marking our grief may also begin a tradition for some. Is it a tradition that uplifts you or that holds you down? Looking at our progress rather than our past can prove empowering. Do you mark each day, each month with gray laden notches on a stick or place that stick, that you thought was dead into crystal clear water and watch the small thread like roots reach downward in the translucent vase and small sprouts of green rise upward. Your growth is always possible, each day, each moment. In grief, recognizing the growth in ourselves may seem impossible. Finding a way to celebrate our progress, creating a new tradition for ourselves can be fulfilling and as fun as the young child looking forward to the stockings being hung by the chimney with care.

What can you envision as a "reward" or festive tradition on this grief journey for you? A few suggestions follow that may buoy you up or add to ways you support yourself.

Get pampered. A manicure, pedicure, massage or a wonderful close shave and facial for the guys. TLC never hurt anyone

Go to a hotel. Rent a movie, get room service and buy yourself a new silk robe.

Picnic Hamper. Have a local deli create a surprise picnic for you. Let them know what kinds of things you like. Grab a old sheet or tablecloth and book, invite a young child to be your guest. Remember the bubbles .

Scent and Sentiment. Find a new small votive candle you enjoy and accompany it with a short poem or affirmation. Place them into a beautiful box or silky bag. Each month hunt for another candle or phrase to place in the container of your choice. This monthly scavenger hunt is fun. On your celebration day, you may again delight in your discovery. If you are like me, I often forget what I have bought!

Reach outward. There are many organizations where you can celebrate your progress by a monetary donation and help others progress as well in their dreams and independence. Two of my favorites are Heifer Project and Kiva. With your donations to The Heifer Project you can purchase baby chicks, goats, sheep and other livestock. The individual receiving such a animal agrees to nurture and raise more animals to donate to others. The circle widens in sharing and growth. The other organization called Kiva, allows you to select the individual or individuals you wish to support with a loan. Others will often join you to support such a loan. The individual receiving the loan has a certain time table in which to repay you. As you are repaid, you can elect to receive the money back or to reinvest it with someone else of your selection. It has been a rewarding experience for me.

Take away and add on. If a family tradition is daunting for you consider taking part of it away and adding on with something else. It may be that you do not "hold" New Year's Day dinner this year and celebrate at a restaurant. Maybe the giant Christmas tree is replaced with a minature one this year and you shop for new ornaments for it . Maybe this is the Easter that you go on the cruise you have dreamed about, with your choice to be involved in multiple activities or to be on deck with a book and blanket.

Expect the unexpected but expect that you deserve to celebrate your journey marker in grief in style and comfort. Forget about "surviving the holidays" and "surf the holidays" riding high on the waves of your journey!

On The Bolt, Fabric of Life

Fabric wrapped on the bolt
Exposing only part of the pattern or dream
An edge of finish and tightness
An edge of salvage, they say, from what?

A thread is sprouting from the salvage
It is frayed it is free

What to do?
Cut it off. Roll it over and seam it down or
Grasp another fine golden thread and silver needle

The thread, hanging from the needle, awakens me
I cannot proceed without glasses, my true vision of what
is really happening at this moment

I darn, I create in this moment
Not covering up what has sprung from the fabric
but weaving it with more beauty in this moment.

Unrolling the bolt we see the same patterns
Repeated over and over
Yet with our glasses, our purer vision, we see small perceived imperfections
to weave into another more delicate, more unique and intricate patterns.

Room for Change:Expressing Yourself

There is no formula for expressing yourself in grief just as there is no timetable or perfect way to transverse the process. The paramount theme is however expression.


Expression may be simply telling your family members you really want to be alone today or that their advise is welcome but only when you ask for it. Expression may be trying to understand why your late wife's sister demands that the closet be cleaned and finding the words to express your need to put things on hold for a while. Expressing your needs, in your surroundings, is crucial to a flowing grief process. You may have to negotiate with family members on how things are to be handled but allow your desires to be known.

Expression may take the form of artwork. It may be something you never did before. Losing oneself into a new activity is really not losing oneself, rather it is expanding oneself. Perhaps knitting, pottery or woodworking or jewerly making could stir an emotion. Creating something for someone else and then gifting it , is remarkably healing.

Expression through the written word is also helpful. Simply putting emotion or expression in a journal or on paper can release the words that may be flitting and bombarding your brain. No need to go back to them, just get them out. Poetry or even a list of feelings you are feeling can help you see what you are truly feeling and recognize that feelings do and can change.

I never wrote before my husband died. I was afraid to write in a journal because I was fearful of my own feelings being discovered by myself or someone else.. At the suggestion of a counselor I wrote before I went to bed during the first few months. It helped me to get some of the cobwebs out of my head in the often long nights. I have revisited the writings recently but only to observe the progress I have made in healing .In the grief process I have learned to express myself in another way, through writing. Without the loss I may have never discovered it.

Expression may take the form of dancing or singing in the local community choir. Expression may be creating a community garden. Expression may be talking to strangers in a bereavement group.

Expression is not good or bad. Expression just is. Allow new venues and activities to fill your space and support you on your journey in and through grief. Express your unique and growing self!

Room for Change:Supportive Spaces

Oh, the places you'll go, as Dr. Seuss exclaims! With the many new and awakening choices you are making in grief, some are demanded of you and some are chosen by you. One of the choices you have is to discover what kind of environment, besides your home, do you choose to surround you.

In your solitude, a local library , may be a public space that provides you with movement of people yet not forced interaction. It will have fresh new magazines and publications awaiting your perusal or travelogues or reviews to engage you. Remember that what you do today, you do not have to do tomorrow. Often simply trying something is enough to lead you somewhere else with better or more appropriate footing.

Look at the space you choose to go. If you have enjoyed community theatre in the past, maybe a subscription to the next season is in order. I have frequently bought two tickets and then invited different friends. If I did not feel like going I gave them away as a treat for someone else.

The classroom, whether it be local school evening sessions or investigative classes at the community college are possibilities for you. Your mind can be stimulated and the rhythm of a weekly class gives some semblance of order to your week.

Do not underestimate the power of volunteering when you are in grief. I volunteered at the local soup kitchen and smiled when I thought I could not. There is much to be said about appreciation of others, on both sides of the counter. I also volunteered with preschoolers during their " gym" session. How can one not see the grace and love in the little children? One particular 4 year old asked me," How old will you be on your birthday?" I replied , I am 49. She retorted back," That is not what I asked you." Hm mm, I learned a lesson in listening. She then told me that was a big number and that when my birthday came my head would hit the ceiling! Of course she was referencing the fact that I was already 6 feet and with every birthday came getting bigger and taller. Her precious words stuck and the smile did too.

Maybe you like to dance but without a partner are reluctant. Line dancing, ballroom dancing, contra and square dancing , all provide solo opportunities to step out in a safe and encouraging space. If art has been a passion for you and has been laid aside, maybe a pottery or photography course will fit the bill. There are many short term class schedules in most community arenas.

The quest is to place yourself in spaces that support your authentic self and the opportunity to use your talents or the opportunity to try on new activities. This is a time of self discovery and also a time to test the waters in your own boat. What floats your boat? It may be something different these days. Give it a try. The shoreline is not far away and the breeze is fine! Happy sailing.

Courage to Change

Changing, the forces from behind and below,

Lifting to the surface the challenges that lie dormant

Changes coming from beneath or forming from resistance to see the Truth



Changes from fear or Changes from Truth

Look on the surface.

Striated and Smooth. Irritated and Peaceful.

Blending materials to create the perfection and courage to change.

Wonderings and Ponderings

Pooling in the undermath of motion
Relating to the scenery and climate
Adapting yet not melding into the surrounding form

Uprooted and uplifted by change
On the surface soil

Being and existing, no clinging
Wanderings and ponderings

The Crevice

What slides along or beneath or between the cracks of our walk?

Dusty edges, crumbling foundation and sandy soil hint of what consequences our momentum creates within our lives

Providing foundation for growth for others. Slowing the progress of others or even creating a boundary of no crossing, a dead end.

Choices of ours affecting choices of others… the crevice, the circle, the circumstances, the Christ. Remembering us in others and upholding ourselves in Christ along the crevice.