Friday, April 15, 2011

Room For Change: Changing Walls within Loss

Walls are dividers.  Walls are providers.  Walls are low. Walls are high.  Walls are protectors. Walls are prisons. Walls with cracks fall down and can be rebuilt or one can analyze what they should be replaced with.

My moving through many changes in loss, the major being the death of my spouse, I have moved my walls. In fact I have moved three times within the last 6 years.  I have constructed walls from blue prints; I have adorned and painted them as how it suited that time and me.  I have purchased a new home only to sell it 2 years later and rent after 3o years of owning my own home. The walls of my rental remain the color they were upon my moving in.  I am not investing time and money and effort this time around to make them “mine” in the same way I have in the past. 

My not “owning” these walls has caused a sense of uneasiness and yet it frees me from frantic activity to get things done and in order.  Renting places the repairs, the attendance to grounds and property taxes to someone else these days.  I still feel a bit of a nomad within these walls.

Part of my release of tending to walls also goes to the personal level. I have dated some fine and “not so” fine men since becoming widowed.  The walls that defined me have been cracked.  Walls that I used to protect me, no longer protect and the walls of opening to others come tumbling down and then get constructed back up again.   

I could lament as I sometimes do and ask, “ When will I feel that protection I once had or when will I see the bright sun through the windows again?”  Telling my story to others, especially men, gets tiresome and yet it is a part of me.  Each time another relationship begins or ends, I am building the foundation for what supports me now.  My gut is getting stronger in trusting my instincts even though my heart still jumps at being a partner again with a framework of walls.  So even with cracked walls the light shines though and even with shifting walls, the foundation can be firm.

Today I will look at my walls as a resting place for growth, ideas and healing.  I don’t have to adorn them, shore them up or paint them. (Well, knowing me I might have to hang a tapestry or a piece of favorite artwork.)

Whatever walls appear to be in your loss, they can be temporary.  Placing the items, ideas and purpose within them is important.  Remembering you are the carpenter these days. Measure twice, cut once and all will be aligned.  Trust your gut, trust your level headed judgment and your walls be straight, tall, elegant and adorned like you. 

Blessings, Susan   

April 15th 2011