Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Rounding the Corner

I write in my sweaty workout clothes after the early fall walk with my dog Radley.  Through my grief, my inner exploration and reinvention of self, my dog has been my " steady".  Not only did he sleep and follow me around, he rode on long rides, waiting endlessly at times to eat and be walked.  He listened to me talking aloud to myself and made no mind of it.

Radley also changed gears and began shaking uncontrollably a month before my cancer diagnosis this past year.  I took him to the vet to get him checked out for it  and then he rode me with for another mammogram and the diagnosis. After surgery he remained with me on my bed until I arose, whether 8am or 11am. Some dog.

Now we both are back to " normal", rounding the corner of summer into fall, feeling the breeze and the crispness begin to creep in as well.

I am thankful to feel so good today after so many years of struggling to "be me" since the loss of my spouse and the loss of my so called life or existence. 

  Thanks Radley, so sticking by me , in thick and thin and walking the lines!  We are in the homestretch and it feels GOOD. 

Unravelling of Life...My Sweater

The sweater clothed me

It sheltered me daily
It covered my wounds
It kept me safe
It was comfortable

The occasional yarns that dangled
or sprout forth
Were quickly yanked away or shorn down
No need for them.  What I had
clothed me

One day Father Jim hugged me
A priest on a airplane ride
I was always afraid of priests

His Mr. Rogers sweater was pilled and
heavily laden with miscolored shreds
from travels
 bumping up
against rough surfaces, forests of stray colors
and threads lay pocketed

My gleaming bracelet within the hug
caught his sweater
As I struggled to release it , the threads on his sweater pulled longer
He stood still in my struggle
Non engaged, yet engaged in my folly of struggle

I stopped.  The bracelet released.
The yarn retreated.  Another point on his road mapped

My sweater
It covered only wounds...my healing was not visible
My sweater
It was safe... but not engaging with others
My sweater
It was comfortable.... from what I knew of the past
  Yes.It was comfortable.... I let no one in, nor let new things sprout

So now... a new sweater... certainly!

Now I notice it's imperfections and am in awe of the perfection in us all when we rest
in our heavenly grace and uniqueness.
No need to struggle... All the threads are woven together. Unravel your perfection! You will find your wounds healed!!!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

My Muse

He appeared on my right

He appeared as a light
An airy spectacle
in an ordinary space

He was elusive and
remains that way
Trying to catch him
he only smiles and charms
 a portion
of what lies dormant in me

Must I turn over and over again
to grasp that which is within?
Must I covet that which I already posses?

My muse, My God
How great thou Art