I am coming up on the anniversary of my two daughters leaving home and onto their own careers and the death of my husband. I turned fifty that year as well. Welcome to an upturned world.
Today, through no single act, but the compilation of encouraging moments and defeats and the victories and struggles, I felt release. Release in that I no longer needed to carry those past roles around with me, release that I am not what I thought I was and release knowing today I am who I am today.
Accepting my loss now also means accepting my changing body and my deepening facial furrows. I would love to say it is from all the smiling in my past loss, but mostly from frowning and resisting the place I was in, or perceived to be.
Today it hit me, as I was lingering in the shower, that accepting my abundance was the key to my accepting my perceived losses. It really hit me. For years I tried to give so much away because I felt unworthy of the abundance I had. I described myself as above average in height, intelligence and looks. Blessed with a fantastic family and friends I hid my abundance with others. I down played the beauty of it all.
It's like that light under the bushel. There is release in me experiencing this feeling right now, in the present, in this instant, maybe not forever, but in this instant.
I promise to get dressed before I leap outside and shout, thank you to the universe for all that you present ed to me in my changes and through grief( the terry cloth towel with the pulled threads is not abundant enough to cover my derriere as I sprint outside) but shorts might do!
Sending you abundance in thought and love in your loss.