Room For Change:Accepting Your Loss, Accepting Your ABUNDANCE

I am coming up on the anniversary of my two daughters leaving home and onto their own careers and the death of my husband. I turned fifty that year as well.  Welcome to an upturned world.

Today, through no single act, but the compilation of encouraging moments and defeats and the victories and struggles, I felt release.   Release in that I no longer needed to carry those past roles around with me, release that I am not what I thought I was and release knowing today I am who I am today.

Accepting my loss now also means accepting my changing body and my deepening facial furrows.  I would love to say it is from all the smiling in my past loss, but mostly from frowning and resisting the place I was in, or perceived to be.

Today it hit me, as I was lingering in the shower, that accepting my abundance was the key to my accepting my perceived losses.  It really hit me.  For years I tried to give so much away because I felt unworthy of the abundance I had.  I  described myself as above average in height, intelligence and looks.  Blessed with a fantastic family and friends I hid my abundance with others.  I down played the beauty of it all.

It's like that light under the bushel.  There is release in me experiencing this feeling right now, in the present, in this instant, maybe not forever,  but in this instant.

 

I promise to get dressed before I leap outside and shout, thank you to the universe for all that you present ed to me in my changes and through grief( the terry cloth towel with the pulled threads is not abundant enough to cover my derriere as I sprint outside) but shorts might do!

Sending you abundance in thought and love in your loss.

Susan

Room For Change: BOLD. EXPERIENCE.

Having just returned from a Hay House conference at sea, called " I can do it!",  I took one of the scattered ideas afloat this past week and put it into practice today.   I simply moved.  I put my yoga pants on, with a jacket and gloves loaned by another, with colors of disharmony and took my first run-walk of this year.

Any motion is good motion and so I completed my one new practice.

 Keep Moving

Experiencing grief, whether the loss of dreams, loss of physical abilities, loss of health or loss of a relationship places creates a void , an empty space in your puzzle of life.  What now?  Where can I find that piece that will fit in exactly to make it whole again?


It is almost like the square puzzle with the numbers which you shift around , bombarding one next to another, shoving one up , another sideways, another into the corner.  With patience, order or balance is received and perceived.

Finishing my run-walk I cooled down on a side street.  There was debris from a remodeling being done in the neighborhood.  Cracked and dusty sheet rock wedged along an old toilet and sink.  On top, resting in perfect balance at the pinnacle of rubble was a bathtub box, with the words... BOLD. EXPERIENCE.

Hmmmmm.   I looked around for more clues to this morning message.  Next on the same side of the street was a red fire hydrant, followed by a reflecting stake, driveway, then mailbox, then reflecting stake.
( there is no quiz of order to follow,,, just breathe... grin)

Okay, my visual mind recouped the pattern, the journey, the order of all things even in the experience of loss.

The message received was in the rubble of experience, in the remodeling of your life, be bold, experience it all, there are others to help you put out fires and guide posts along the way reflecting the goodness and light back to you and you must simply open that box to receive.   Just like that mailbox, sometimes we have something to send out, but in loss and grief you may not be able to send very much.  Be open to receiving from others and be bold in this experience.  There are invisible guides along the way.

May your light, even if a spark, be reflected in grand ways today.  Be bold and receive.  Sending you love,

Susan

Room For Change: PBO

I should really be PBO ing right now.   Instead I am in procrastination mode as I scour my desk for scattered "to do" lists and things to stuff in the trash.   My magazines have been sent to  recycle bin I have and I have acknowledged my plants are outside on the terrace, telling them I will find a great home for them but they cannot travel with me on my move.

PBO.....

Packed by Owner
Purged by Owner
Protected by Owner
Picked by Owner
Placed by Owner
Pondered by Owner

Well the official winner is " Packed by Owner" in the moving company world, but all the others could be merged right into the concept.   Packed by Owner means the move will be less costly.  Packed by Owner means if it's broke on the other end , you are responsible and Packed by Owner can mean hours of agonizing decisions or freeing of the mind and spirit.

I will gather my boxes and decide what to start with.  Deciding what you can do without for a while may give you an idea of what you have too much of or even what you have neglected.  It may also give you a time to reflect on the items presence in your life now compared to later.   Isn't this what I should be doing in little steps each day? How often have I really got on that ball for my abs or brought the desk lamp out to use this year.  When was the last time those speakers were used? and where did all the mix mash of wires come from?

Okay.  My first box will be books set into categories.  ( Just reads, Interior Design, Spiritual and Religious and Grief.)   Next my art supplies from the garage and closet and grouping of all non-attacked canvases in the same general area will be stacked.  Third will be my bellydancing garb that is dispersed in several areas of the house along with its accompanying music.   I can do without these items for a few weeks or months.

Photo to follow. Oh yes, forgot the cookbooks that I seldom use above and the teapot collection that usually lays adjacent in the cupboard above the refrigerator. This was purged on the last move so no agonizing decisions this time around, although I may give one of the teapots to a friend at work with some flowers in it.

Next are the vases that lay dormant in my pantry.  I packed them yesterday, then as quickly as they were packed I bought myself some fresh flowers at the grocery store to liven my dissembled living environment. Now one vase sits on my dusty round table adjacent to my small sofa which no longer has its accents pillows due to their new function as padding for the pictures taken down in haste from the walls!

Practicing what I preach is arduous, but making little sanctuaries in an unfolding home is important to me and can make the "have-to's" less burdensome.

I have also given some of my once gazed upon books to others to gaze upon and send on their merry way. I have snuck into both adjacent neighbors' yards and put lawn ornaments ( tasteful ones) for them to discover.  It is easier to pass things on with the hope that your beloved items will find a way to someone else with the same  passion you once had for them.

PBO also represents Participation by Others , in the items you enjoy.   Creating room for change is creating space in all areas of your life.  My focus this week is items, so keep that front door light on, as there are more items I need to be "PBO"ing!

Room For Change: Open Your Home, Open Your Heart

OPEN YOUR HEART

Within a few months of my husband's death I was sitting in counseling, reviewing my life, rethinking my future and rebelling in the future prospects.

My counselor suggested that my social circle would no longer be "corporate" entertaining nor logistics with teenage daughters and their networking.  What then?   She commented that my circle would be women.   I cried, I cursed, I cringed.   Hadn't the rug already been pulled out from under me and now another own shoved underneath without the welcome mat?

She was right.  I was willing to try.

A friend  of mine was turning 50 years old.  She , like myself, had friends that had never met each other.   Friends that were gardeners.  Friends that were dog people and animal recusers. Friends that shared in her jewerly making  and church friends.   

I invited them all for a "sleep over" as I lived deep in the woods at that time.   My friend, Judy, was the common bond.  We had heard about each other but seldom crossed each other paths except by Judy's stories.   We shared a meal, shared stories, shared some dancing and laughing.  We shared our lives and slept under the same roof that night.  The next morning another woman joined us for breakfast and the circle widened.

A tradition was started that evening as well.  I had a fireplace surfaced with river rocks.  I had written in chalk on the rocks, " Happy Birthday, Judy!"  Others suggested what else could be written up there and the  

tradition bloomed.   Whenever someone spent the night , they were honored with a piece of chalk to write what they wanted on the river rocks and it stayed for others to enjoy and ponder.   

The quotes spread on the wall and everyone who spent the night, left a bit of themselves behind with me.

So my counselor was right.  My social networking started with a birthday party for a good friend and ended by making more great friends.   

In loss there is always a gain.   In darkness light filters through.  In your opening your home to others your heart gets a chance to open again, even if in a small way.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you willing to open your heart and home again and again.

Blessings.  Susan

Room For Change: Revamping Your Location In Thought

Here I go again.  I have been living in Austin for over a year with the inner thought of looking for another place after two years in Austin.  That thought spoken aloud to a friend spawned  him to mention that he might have someone interested in buying my home if it was for sale.   I was not really thinking of selling it now, but told him to let the couple take a look at it.  They loved it.  They are purchasing it.

My thought changed to reality within 3 days.  On my birthday a contract came in and now my head is swimming in change again, so soon?  The feelings of regret surfaced.  The feelings of sorrow of leaving new friends and connections surfaced.  The feelings of loss floated the surface and yet had I not initiated the tiny thought?   Here we go again but this time I will document in black and white my emotional thoughts and then look at what this change truly brings to the surface this time around for me.

If you have read my book, Room For Change: Practical Ideas for Reviving After Loss,  you may already know that I have moved at least 12 times, built about 10 homes in other phases of my life.  This phase, I guess I could call... Changing and Aging with Haste and Grace and  as I preach, there is always Room For Change.


Step One:  Panic

Step Two:  List Making ( of repairs, of sorting, or telling others of your departure and paperwork)

Step Three: Checking off the List.   ( Ahhhh! so sweet)

Step Four: Opening the Door for Opportunities on the Other Side

 If the list is tweaked a bit, isn't this what we do when we know our time is at hand? Don't we try to clear the clutter, tie the knots and look to the other side of what will be?

So over the next few weeks I will blog about my process in packing , purging and plundering this process.   It has been 6 years since my husband's death and the third time I am moving.  What I have moved from and what have I moved towards is difficult to delineate.  I do know that fewer items accompany me this time around and the yards are getting smaller and smaller.  The kitchen pantry holds fewer items but the tools and clothes seem to swell in the closets and storage.

I am working on Step Two this week and repairs have started. I am down to a  repair needed on a faulty lock of a window and then the sorting of items blog will evolve.  I don't know how I will feel this time around, but I do know that I feel so very much more than I did when my husband died.  My lows might be low but I recover sooner and my highs are definitely higher.  The most grace comes my meeting new, interesting and very different people within the last few years to add to my collection of friends.

Stay tuned for the Sorting Saga.  May your New Year be Full with Thoughts come True.  

Blessings.. Susan

Room For Change: Reviving Your Holidays

As a widow , I continually try to be positive in the changes and growth that have emerged in my widowhood.   Attending bereavement sessions around the holidays, I hear and see the word, "surviving".

Surviving to me connotes, a time of languish, a sacrifice and an insurmountable endurance.  Most of us experiencing loss have felt fleeting moments of such, but then again we may find a single bright moment that leads the way to hope and renewal and even revival on this grief journey.

Holidays not only suggest shopping as with birthdays, Hanukkah and Christmas, but also include decorating, baking and traditional activities.  Weaving new into old and old into new is what our life journey entails.  How can you weave yours with what treasured memories and traditions speak to you and your loved ones?

Shopping:  Keep it simple.  Maybe this is a year that you exchange gift certificates only and plan a family trip or excursion after the holiday.   Maybe this is a time when you ask others to do the shopping for you.  Be kind to yourself.  Relish holidays as a time of energy conservation and renewal rather than the have to's of past years.

Gifting of memories:  I am not the best seamstress but I have friends that are talented in that arena.  They could create a small quilt, a Christmas tree skirt, a table runner or even holiday place mats from your loved ones old clothes.  It is a way of purposeful renewal and memory. Men's ties can be especially beautiful in a tree skirt as their shape flares out.  Mom's old costume jewelry can be hot glued to inexpensive picture frames for gifts to family members and even used to adorn a Styrofoam ball and hung with a ribbon from the tree.  Memories will remain.  Using items gives them renewal and a sense of moving forward with honor.

Barter:  This word may appear harsh but often in grief we know what we have in the way of items and "stuff" but don't know how to relinquish and to whom.  Think about trading or bartering your  extra tools for " x number " of handyman hours.  Think about trading your lawnmower for lawn care for a year or your snow plow for plowing.  Relinquishing an item does not mean it cannot come back into your space, but it can allow space for other things to come in and other activities that may be burdensome to you now.  Remember holidays are about giving and giving to yourself is just as important as giving to others.

Decorating:  This may be a year when the tree gets a little smaller or all the decorations are not put up.  This may be a year when you ask a friend to adorn a wreath for you and you go on a citywide light walk instead of putting your lights up.  This may be a year, when you are not the " hostess with the mostess" and visit someone else or even go on a cruise.  My first year of widowhood I picked out a fresh palette of inexpensive ornaments for my tree.  My first year of widowhood I did not bake and decorate the gingerbread houses, my daughter did.  My first year of widowhood I did not stay home.  Did it help?  I do not remember, but it did help me realize that everything did not have to be the same way in order to cushion the void I was experiencing.

Aromas and Baking: The holiday season conjures up sights and sounds and smells.   What speaks to you?  What smells remind you of great childhood memories?  What supports you?  If you love the smell of evergreens, buy yourself a beautiful soy candle or bring in some pine cones seasoned with cinnamon and nutmeg.  My grandmother's recipe for poppy seed strudel was a tradition and my favorite.  My father, now deceased and I loved it.  Grandma has also passed away but her recipe and her handwriting of the recipe linger.  Have a friend , who wants to do something special for you, make a favorite recipe.  Not only will you be nurtured with  food but also memories.  Putting spices into a crock pot to simmer, can create another avenue of creating memories.  Add what spices or fruit that appeals to you now.

Holiday Cards: If someone sent me a card, I felt guilty that I did not send them one.  I was too exhausted and "low" to respond during my first years of widowhood. I did respond in another way.  The cards piled up during the holidays.  Beginning January 1st, I pulled one from the basket each day and said a prayer for that family and gratitude for their outreach. In grief, in life, it all takes time.  Give yourself time to allow for your unique gifts to unfold. (  I have even thought about sending Valentine cards instead, but never have done it.  Let me know if that fits the bill for you!)

Outreach to Others:  I found that giving to strangers during the holidays, sparked a gratitude that was hard to access in my loss.  I envisioned the foster sisters that would open the gifts I sent. Receiving a photo and thank you note a month later I was not far off!  I remembered the Christmas I received my Polly Play Pal doll , when everyone told me the large gift was an ironing board for my mom and hoped that the burlap bag with my untidy red yarn embroidery would keep them in wonderment for a while. I remembered the first warm reversible ski jacket I got as a gift and even remember the pattern and hoped that what I picked out for the Angel Tree family would be as warming and fun.

Reviving your holidays, bringing a little something new to the old, is what makes other beautiful traditions awaken.  Remembering yourself, by placing yourself in a place of support is all that is required. Remember the magic and weave a small bit of change into your celebrations.

Room For Change: " Waiting" or "Wanting to Get Out" Rooms

Perhaps it is cloudy or dreary days that brings out a critical perspective that lays dormant for some command performance. Today waiting rooms crawl to the surface of this damp and inclement weather.

Waiting Rooms.   Just the sound of "Wait" conjures up the sense of not moving forward.  "Wait" is  a loss of momentum.   So what benefits  can waiting rooms fulfill for those in health care and other industry services?   Are they simply " Wanting to Get Out" Rooms instead?

Waiting rooms, are like your front door, as they speak of your nature and your mindset of the day.
Waiting rooms, are like a incubator, for mental attitude to swell or mind lists to be congealed.
Waiting rooms , are like a hand written invitation, to an upcoming event and the expectations associated with it.


Do waiting rooms fulfill your needs? Are your service providers doing you a service in their waiting rooms?  How are you intuitively reacting to the setting.

After numerous medical waiting rooms attended by myself and my husband in his care during his terminal illness I became a big critic of waiting rooms without realizing it.  My impatience in the medical process and time I felt was wasted before and after our actual appointments lead me dreading another appointment date in most facilities or offices.

Roswell Park Cancer Institute was the first one to "speak" to me of compassion and comfort while retaining a business and service attitude of efficiency and individualization.  Their waiting rooms fulfilled my needs.

What does the physical "room" exhibit?

Not only is visual pleasure comforting for the patient/client but for the staff.  It sets the stage for what is to come.  Physical elements can include seating, lighting, privacy elements, accessibility to water or beverages, aromas, cleanliness and reading material.  Physical also includes how the flow of clients in and out proceeds and how those "waiting" are  integrated within  the process.  Physical can include how your voice or those of the staff travels within these walls and what adorns the walls if anything.

My pet peeves include:

Dirty upholstery or seating surfaces
Lack of lighting or sources of lighting
Outdated reading material and neglected
Uncomfortable seating or limited seating
Lack of privacy of conversation with staff
Dust laden silk or artificial plants
Left over furniture and accessories from other spaces flung together
Faded pictures or photos adorning the walls
Overstuffed literature for client left unattended and in disarray
Inadequate variety of seating to accommodate different physical abilities

These ten are a fraction of what others may find discomforting within such a space.

Suggestions to consider within such a space could include:

Rocking chairs
Fish tanks
Wall mounted water fountains
Current reading material
Nature DVD and photos
Good and varied lighting as well as natural lighting
Clean surfaces
Beverage station with neat disposal setup
Variety of seating options, i.e. armless and with arms, soft and firm
Variety in shapes and size of seating or side tables.
Availability of blankets for comfort and temperature control
Private screening area as needed for confidential conversation or scheduling
Lack of intense aroma ( neither medicinal nor strong artificial)
Mobiles

Yesterday I visited a new dentist and his office.   Not only did I do a mental checklist of what was pleasing to me, but overviewed what others might find comforting, pleasing and mind setting for their upcoming appointment.

The office included:

Efficient directions to the location and well marked door
Well appointed beverage station and welcoming staff upon entry
Several seating options around large round coffee table laden with current magazines
Chairs that swiveled to adjust client's perspective and comfort
Overhead lighting and ambient lighting
Wall mounted water fountain with backlight
Advertising material on adjacent table for inquiry, not on every surface
Separate area for interviewing new patient
Blankets available during session
Staff conversation at low level
Clean surfaces
Earthy color scheme

Waiting rooms set the stage for what is about to happen and how you, as a client ,will be serviced . More important it initiates the mindset you will bring into the interaction with the provider. Why not maximize all areas ?

Room for change , even in waiting rooms , is possible.  Yesterday, the wait was a pampering time out before my new association was made.  I left , not dreading my possible return, and if I arrived early to my next appointment, the wait.