Room for Change: Resting on Your Laurels in Grief

 

So where do all those timeless sayings come from?  My grandmother’s was.”It all comes out in the wash” and other colorful ones that may be inappropriate  or too graphic to put into black and white in this blog.  Without saying something directly, these sayings created picture perfect references within the mind.

My creative mind loves pictures and “resting on your laurels” came to me today as a busy weekend, not filled with rest, fell to the wayside and a new week begins. The “to do’ list emerged and before the pencil hit the paper, I paused.  Had I not accomplished enough over the weekend? Might this Monday be a Monday of no momentum but rather that of magical moments of rest.

Another saying that surfaced was : All work and no play, makes Johnny a dull boy”  What?  What do either of these have to do with grief, which seemed to be on my mind again?

I had just spent the weekend with 150 widows, some seasoned in their widow walk and others just taking their first steps.  They were enthusiastic to hear creative and inspirational stories about others’ journeys, but most felt their own laborious and lumbering.

During grief, because there is so much unchartered territory to traverse  and new responsibilities to handle, one is often overcome with depression, fatigue, lack of sleep and lack of focus.  It can seem like every waking minute is spent doing and the learning new tasks. The energy required to  evolve into new roles is never ending.

I can remember crying about a potential stain on my kitchen counter, shortly after my spouse died, as it was just one more thing I felt I had to tackle immediately. I was at a breaking point and felt I had lost control of any normalcy.

Place PLAY in your new normalcy.  Place PAMPER in your new normalcy. Place PAUSE in your new normalcy.

Suggestions for placing the above in your new life might include

• Swinging in the park or on a  front porch swing

• Blowing bubbles and observing the breeze in action and the rainbow of colors      

               unfolding before your eyes

• Packing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Oreos and going on a picnic

• Flying a kite with a child or another adult friend( that way someone else can chase   

               after it.)

• Taking a bubble bath with a new fragrance 

• Getting a manicure or massage

• Perusing magazines at the library, then a subscription for yourself

• Taking an afternoon nap on the sofa or hammock with no phone available

• Getting a carryout dinner delivered to you and asking a friend to join.Have them bring the dessert!

PLAY, PAMPER AND PAUSE,  your new found friends in your new normalcy,will help to balance and bring  energy and insight into new tasks.Building your new life, requires rest from the sometimes overwhelming unimaginable tasks.  Oh, yes, I almost forgot,” Rome was not built in one day”! You too are an architect of a lasting and beautiful life.  Go get that toga and partake of some pleasures today!

Room for Change: Recreating a Rhythm in Loss

Benjamin Franklin's Schedule

Nature is full of rhythms. Our lives are full of rhythms. The ones closest to us awaken us when we are busy and shake us up when they take on a different pulse. Our heart rate may soar and our respiration accompany it. Our eyes see some pending emergency and our body races to respond to it with adrenaline and action.  

In loss and grief we are our bodies are often working on this edge of heightened awareness and activity.  Our bodies and mind coordinate to move us down the road and accommodate the change in our routine, schedule or outlook.

As time passes however our bodies need renewal.  Just as I have written about in my book , Room for Change, some things about change have been hard for me personally.  De cluttering ( or Destacking as it is) and now setting a schedule for myself.

My schedule has been a non schedule , with the freedom of time in my widowhood and empty nest phase of my life, very open.  Much of my time is "free" with non scheduled activities. That has proven a blessing and a curse for my personality.  Creativity may abound in me, but I may start too many projects at once. Flexibility may arise as well, but I feel there are no "have to's " in my loss. Accountability may be sacrificed as well.  The accountability is to myself as well as others.

Benjamin Franklin's daily schedule is shown here, with it's simple yet profound rhythm.  In loss, if we can find a rhythm that supports us in our changes, time will certainly be full in both growth and nurturing of our body and mind.

As I write this , I am sitting on my sofa with my dog at my side procrastinating about my body's need to hit the gym or sidewalk this morning.  In loss, scheduling time for yourself can be a new found activity. Schedule it in your day. Create a rhythm that takes you places within and outside yourself.

Nurture your nature in loss and recreate a rhythm that supports you today.

And one more thing, as Ben himself writes on his daily schedule, "What good have I done today?" Remembering being good to yourself counts as well!  I am getting off the sofa right now, I promise!





                                             Room for Change: Practical Ideas for Reviving After Loss

Room for Change: Facing Your Change and Value(s)

Recalling what we were before a significant loss is ingrained within us. How often have I said, " I am not strong" and others say "Look what you have done or accomplished within the last 6 years." It will be 6 years this month that my husband died, followed by the passing of two brothers in law and then my father. Change and internal turmoil and chaos were the norm.

In loss and grief we have the chance to re-evaluate how we define ourselves as well as our relationships with others. Your set of friends may change.  The places you frequent may change as well.  Most of the time may be spent at home ands that is why I am such a big advocate of making your home supporting for you. I remember being so mad at "friends" that were not friends after the death of my husband, but then again I try to remember the ones that became closer and  the ones that supported my change especially during my initial volatility.

Your life values may change in loss and what you personally value in life may follow suit. It may feel dark and lonely in the beginning but doors open and sometimes by unexpected strangers that help with your personal change and support.  Be kind to yourself.

Honor your change as you would honor the growth in someone else.  You might be surprised what you have become! (stronger and wiser in the least)

Room for Change: Touching and Handing It Over

This artist's work is not only beautiful but she adds her words in black and white to give us an insight into her ideas and herself. During grief, expression is often dampened by depression, mental and physical fatigue and the consistency of inconsistency. Grief may pull us inward into a spiral of "what ifs'", "if only", "how come?" and" will it ever end "scenarios.

Feeling the need to be needed may also run astray. Our gift of healing touch may seem not needed now if we have been the caretaker of our loved one, but this is the time when others's hugs, others need to nuture us in grief can be a light in the day. The critters in your household may sense your loss as well and this is a time to remember them with your touch.

Pardon the pun, but "handing over" some of your changing responsibilities in grief may feel as if you are losing even more control in your loss. Pass the buck from time to time. Express your desires when the willingness in others arises to lend a helping hand . Remember they are often "clueless" about the changes you are facing as well and may need suggestions from you.

The artist of the hands above also places in her artwork the words, "you are beautiful" and " i have small scars here from art and living." We are all scarred from time to time but heal with touch. We are all beautiful in a patchwork of different colors and gifts. We are all here to give a hand to those in need. Remember to reach out to others as they extend their hand to you.

It's like a handshake and mutually beneficial.

Room for Change: Honoring Yourself

honoring yourself
you honor others
this started the journey

capturing thoughts in
black and white and
momentum builds

pensive posture moves
into action with
webs forming
which to seek?
which to hold onto?

balance is perfect
neither right nor left
neither up nor down
neither highs nor lows
neither black nor white

balance just is
we are just

combining balance within us is perfect
perfect-just as you are

Room for Change: The Book

Grief allows people, places and circumstances to change. The change not always wanted, the change not always feeling needed.

Loss of my husband and other dreams culminated in a grief recovery book. Finding myself with several losses at one time, buoying myself up was the hardest thing to do. Contemplating myself as ordinary with little to offer and my dreams dismissed , I looked to ease the pain of others to make myself feel better. I now know with the completion of the book, Room for Change,that much of my healing was my self preaching, my reaching out to others for help and having the confidence and sometimes the innocence to keep moving and adapting in the turmoil I felt.


The book is launched today. The book is available here.I was launched into this venture 6 years ago this month with the death of my husband. I wonder what other changes will come my way within the next 6 years? Ready or not, here they come and I am indebted to so many people who listened to my vision and encouraged me.

I am pleased and excited with the reviews that the book is receiving. One funny and revealing review is by Les Morgan of Growth House Inc. http://growthhouse.typepad.com/les_morgan/2010/06/room-for-change-by-susan-w-reynolds.html

Take a peak at his candor and humor. That is what change and grief are about. Looking at ways to move through the sometimes ridiculous scenarios with grace and lightness.

To all of you that helped my light shine in the darkest days, this is for you.

Please tell me what you feel about the book and what more it could contain or questions you have. I am pleased with the change in me through this project and keep those reviews coming.

Blessings.. Susan

Room For Change: Unexpected Delivery

Within loss and grief, order and control tend to rise to the top of priorities. Everything is spinning out of control and most things that were familiar are no longer.

It is easier to imagine the future with its neatly tied bow and the pain dispersed back where it needs to be, that is NOT in us.
We create expectations for others to soothe us, we create expectations of a looming doomed existence and we create expectations of ourselves to be strong to overcome this situation.

Yet the real victories come when an expected gift arrives at your doorstep, like a baby bird chirping in your nearby tree.
The real victories come when you enter a room as yourself without the thoughts of "what are they going to think?"
The real victories come in the expected talents that you did not perceive within yourself. Those dormant and unexpected talents often rise to the surface during grief. Why? Maybe they surface because our skin is so transparent and our core exposed. It may not feel good, but unexpected personal gifts can arise.

Surprise! I do not like to write. I have never liked to write, yet it seems as if it keeps coming to the surface. Another surprise!

My first book is in its prelaunch, Room for Change: Practical Ideas for Reviving After Loss. It will be delivered to Amazon.com within a month. Yes, an unexpected delivery, in an expected form. I would rather physically do for others than write, but in my widowhood I have found that doing for yourself is what supports you through grief.

The book will be an expected delivery for others in grief and I know it will provide practical and non threatening ways to make the support they need their own. Of course there is fun in the book and unexpected treasures for grievers to find.

My son-in-law is a professional bagpiper and is present at many celebrations, be they parades or weddings or funerals. Yes, funerals are a celebration of gifts on the horizon. Or as he says as he heads out the door to a funeral, he is there to put the FUN back in FUNeral.

Look for the unexpected deliveries as fun and not futile. Await the unexpected gifts arising in you. They are there!

Write and tell me about them!

Blessings undercover abound!